Based on a True Story: A Memoir by Macdonald Norm

Author:Macdonald, Norm [Macdonald, Norm]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9780812993622
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2016-09-19T16:00:00+00:00

22

MEETING GOD

I find my way through the casino and in a moment I am on the Strip. There is a dry chill that begins to freeze my naked face, and the buildings of iron and glass feel as immortal as the ancient streets they sit upon. I look above and the sun shining amid the blue sky and white, white clouds casts a pall of futility over the man-made monuments and their sickly neon light.

And I stand by the Pyramid of Luxor and gaze upon the firmament above, and in a sudden the sky becomes a face and I look away in fear and shame.

It is the face of God and He speaks, and His voice is both yours and mine at once, and He speaks unto me.

“WHY DO YOU NOT LOOK AT ME, NEITHER YESTERDAY NOR TODAY?” And so I remove my Dirty Work hat and look upon Him and study His countenance.

Now, people always wonder if God is a man or a woman or black or white or yellow, but I’m here to tell you that none of this silly stuff matters. (He’s a white guy, by the way.) What matters is how truly big He is. He is bigger than the cities, than the world, than the sun. He is bigger than your hopes, your imaginings, your dreams, and even your ambitions. Plus He has a mustache.

And when I lock eyes with this supernatural giant, I feel the emptiness that I have always carried deep in my gut vanish, and a sudden quiet peace replaces it.

“WAIT A MINUTE—YOUR EYES ARE WEIRD; THE PUPILS ARE ALL DILATED. YOU AREN’T STONED, ARE YOU?” God looks concerned, and He moves His face close to inspect me.

“No.”

“ARE YOU SURE? ’CAUSE YOU LOOK REALLY STONED.”

“No. I mean…Oh, yeah, kinda.”

God throws up His hands and shakes His head in exasperation. “WELL, THAT’S JUST GREAT. BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO YOU WITH A MESSAGE FOR THE PEOPLE OF EARTH, AND WHO BETTER TO DELIVER MY MESSAGE TO THE PEOPLE OF EARTH THAN A STONED GUY. DOESN’T GET ANY MORE CONVINCING THAN THAT.”

“Look, Lord, there’s no need for sarcasm. Listen, maybe you should find someone else. I’m just a nightclub comic who travels across the country and gives people the gift of happiness with jokes about answering machines. I’m sure I’ll go to heaven, right?”

“FINE, I’LL FIND ANOTHER. AS FAR AS GOING TO HEAVEN, I CAN’T SAY.”

Well, that really scares me, so I think fast. “Hold on, hold on. It was only a joke! Of course I’m your guy. I’m your guy. I was kidding earlier when I said you should find someone else. It’s so funny that you thought I was being serious, because I was totally kidding.”

And the Lord begins to speak His message, but just as He begins, a second wave of the drug hits me, much harder, and the sidewalk becomes quicksand beneath my feet and I sink into it, fast. I clutch at a lamppost and hold on hard so that the sidewalk does not swallow me and fill my lungs with sand.

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