Barkley by Timothy Bella

Author:Timothy Bella
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hanover Square Press
Published: 2022-09-14T18:02:52+00:00

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The booming baritone pipes of legendary announcer Don Pardo filled the room as Charles walked through the door, guessing that he—“one of the few non-Jewish players in the league”—wasn’t the show’s first choice to host.

“They did want someone from the NBA,” he told the audience in his monologue, “but being Yom Kippur and all, I was the only one they could get.”

In his monologue, Charles reflected on a recent game of one-on-one he had with another popular dinosaur who wanted a piece of him: Barney. In take after take, Charles pummeled Tim Gallin, the stuntman hired to wear the Barney suit. At one point, Charles elbowed Gallin so hard to the face that he knocked off Barney’s head from his body. Gallin loved it.

“I was an independent contractor getting my ass kicked, but he was concerned he was going to hurt me,” Gallin recounted. “He would help me up off the floor by saying, ‘Hey, man, you cool?’ He was very appreciative of what I was doing.”

Next up was the trip to the couch. On “Daily Affirmation,” “Charles B.” of the “Phoenix S’s,” nicknames used by the sensitive shrink to protect his guest’s identity, gathered that Smalley, recovering from Overeaters Anonymous, was pretty messed up. Charles was taken off guard when Bogues, referred to as “Muggsy B.,” arrived to confront his friend about how his self-esteem was suffering from not living up to his own unrealistic expectations. In the sketch, Charles didn’t take too kindly to seeing Bogues, whom he jokingly called “an ugly midget.” Smalley and Bogues hoped to cut through Charles’s brash ego and get to know his more sensitive side.

“I know how badly you wanted to beat the Bulls,” Bogues said to Charles, who was about ready to crack up on national TV due to his friend’s monotone delivery.

“Look at Charles. Look at him,” said Smalley. “Muggsy, look at Charles. Charles, look at Muggsy.”

Charles collapsed his face into his hand in an attempt to stifle laughter, almost causing Franken to also break. On-screen, Charles made his greatest professional disappointment the butt of a joke he was in on and encouraged.

The fake-crying Charles played it up as the studio audience went nuts. Franken was effusive of the pair’s performance many years later, saying they played off each other so well not because of practice but due to their natural timing and recognition of the scene.

Charles introduced Nirvana’s “Heart-Shaped Box” before a forty-second appearance in a “Gap Girls” sketch with Sandler, Farley, and Spade. All portraying women characters, the cast members discussed Lucy, Sandler’s character, kissing a girl the night before during a game of truth or dare. Much to their surprise, the woman Lucy spoke of was at the Gap—and she was a sight to see. The towering Akeela was in a dark floral dress with long braids whose makeup hid a dark mustache. Charles’s Akeela flirted a bit with Spade’s Christy, comparing her to Sharon Stone, before guaranteeing to buy her a free sample down at Hickory Farms.

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