As You Are: Ignite Your Charisma, Reclaim Your Confidence, Unleash Your Masculinity by Sparks Nick

Author:Sparks, Nick [Sparks, Nick]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw
Published: 2015-10-04T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 9

Your Secret Weapon for High-Voltage Interactions

It was the Friday night of my program, the second of three consecutive nights on the town, and David wasn't having the kinds of interactions that we both wanted him to have. Everyone seemed to have a good time in his conversations and he could get phone number without a problem, however his interactions lacked a certain charge and he felt dejected when they never returned his call or text.

Observing David, I quickly found the reason why his interactions lacked that charge. He was good at holding space, genuinely interested in the people with whom he was talking, and going with his first gut instinct in terms of what to say. That’s why having solid conversations and getting phone numbers wasn't an issue. The problem was that during the interactions, he appeared and felt physically stiff and wasn't initiating any physical contact -- thus, while many women enjoyed his company, the interactions still felt a bit anxious.

When we're around people with whom we're comfortable, our bodies start to move together in a natural rhythm and we communicate through touch. Just like when you begin a conversation leaving that awkward half-step of distance, when you don't communicate with this natural physical rhythm and touch it says, "this is awkward.” Holding space for our feelings and sharing them through eye contact are the two most powerful ways in which human beings communicate; after that, though, physical expression is next.

When we're feeling something strongly, whether it be empathy, happiness, or attraction, making physical contact with someone else will communicate those feelings more powerfully than words ever could. You may remember a time when a friend opened up to you about something tough in his life. Perhaps you couldn't think of the words to say, but you put your hand on his shoulder to let him know you empathized and that it would be alright.

In a 1976 study titled “Hands Touching Hands: Affective and Evaluative Effects of an Interpersonal Touch” (Fisher, Rytting, & Heslin), social scientists had a library clerk initiate a casual touch half the time when returning library cards to patrons. The results were that the individuals who were touched, even if they weren't aware of the touch, rated the clerk more positively than those who were not touched. Multiple studies since then have linked touch to the release of oxytocin, the chemical in the brain which increases the levels of trust and connection with another person.

Before even being aware of these scientific studies, from observing thousands of interactions I could tell that the amount of physical openness greatly determined the level of enjoyment and intimacy in the interaction. I began taking note of the most common physical expressions of intimacy in great interactions. Then I had my clients who had the most trouble with this use them as guidelines to allow their own physical expressions of intimacy to come forward when interacting with our female assistants in the classroom, and then later in the evening.

These

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