Anger Management for Everyone by Raymond Chip Tafrate

Author:Raymond Chip Tafrate
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2018-12-14T19:36:53+00:00

These six irrational patterns are important because they represent common errors in thinking that contribute to anger development. Dealing with such errors now will do a lot to help you manage your reactions more effectively in the future.

Awfulizing

Awfulizing is about exaggerating the consequences or the level of hardship associated with a difficult situation. Perhaps you describe daily hassles with words like “awful,” “horrible,” or “terrible” rather than “unfortunate,” “bad,” or “inconvenient.” This is a problem because “awful,” “terrible,” and “horrible” are very strong words. When they’re examined carefully, it’s clear that their meaning is “All is lost.” That phrase is appropriate for describing the devastation that follows an earthquake, a plane crash, a tornado, a hurricane, or the loss of life itself. But when these words are used in connection with an everyday frustration, setback, or hassle, they exaggerate the negative aspect of the situation. They’re too strong to accurately describe what is taking place. When you characterize an ordinary challenge as “awful,” “horrible,” or “terrible,” you reduce your motivation to face misfortune skillfully. You also stop yourself from coming up with an effective solution to whatever the problem is.

Low Frustration Tolerance

Low frustration tolerance is the tendency to underestimate your ability to deal with discomfort or misfortune. When a difficult or unfair situation comes up, the question that arises is often “Is this tolerable?” And it’s pretty amazing how often people use the word “intolerable” to indicate their inability to deal with a problem. For example, you may say, “I can’t stand it” when you’re waiting in a long, slow-moving line, or “I’m at my wits’ end” when your child spills juice on the rug, or “I can’t deal with this crap anymore” when an expected promotion falls through. But these are ordinary setbacks and irritations. You will increase your anger if you see a simple misfortune as something that you cannot deal with. Low frustration tolerance will also distract you from coming up with an effective solution. In addition, whining and moaning about your inability to tolerate or cope with an unpleasant event will make you less pleasant to be around. The real meaning of “I can’t stand it” is “I’m going to die.” In fact, however, life is full of challenges, big and small, and most people who are betrayed, lose their jobs, fail in school, are rejected, and so on, do manage to adjust and adapt. Life moves on regardless of whether you think you can cope with it, so why not be optimistic, or at least realistic, about your skills and abilities?

Demandingness

Demandingness is the tendency to turn your personal preferences into inflexible, unbendable rules that you expect others and the world at large to follow. It’s reflected in words and phrases like “they must,” “you should,” “he ought to,” and “she has to,” all of which suggest that there are no reasonable alternatives to what you happen to want. But others’ behavior is determined by a variety of factors, such as human nature, imitation, learning history, and cultural norms.

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