Analog SF, Nov 2002 by Dell Magazine Authors

Author:Dell Magazine Authors [Authors, Dell Magazine]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Magazine, 2012
Publisher: www.Fictionwise.com
Published: 2001-07-03T04:00:00+00:00

It's Only Human by Brian Plante

In which a familiar test is taken to new extremes in a new context....

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Round 1

The people on game shows are morons. That's why I'm on It's Only Human. No, wait, that doesn't sound right. I mean the other people on game shows are morons, not me. I always tell my wife Maureen how stupid those contestants are, and how I could probably do better. One night while we were watching holovision, she dared me to try out for it, and I did. The competition is keen to get on one of the big games like It's Only Human, but I passed all their on-line tests, and then a couple of auditions, and here I am. The familiar theme music plays and the game board comes up on the screenwall before me, giving me my first look at the other six contestants. I am Player 5, and my face appears in the lower left screen. My name is Paul Creque.

Director [TO all]: Everybody ready. 10 seconds.

The message appears on the datascreen built into the desk where I am sitting. You don't see the datascreens when you watch the game on holovision, but the players can send each other messages on it while the game is in play. I am nervous and fidget as the theme music ends. My hands are cold and clammy.

“Welcome to It's Only Human! ” says Newman, the host, from the seven-sided center screen, in the middle of all the player screens. Newman is a robot and looks like it. I've seen good robots that you had to look twice at before you could tell, but the host of It's Only Human is purposely built to look artificial, perhaps to emphasize the humanity of the competitors. He looks up, down, left, right—as if he can see each of the players in the individual screens around him on the screenwall. That looks good on holovision, but is pretty stupid when you think about it.

The soundproof booths we are in are not really arranged in the heptagonal setup you see on holovision. We are behind seven doors on a long hallway in the broadcast studio. I am in booth five. I don't know where they keep Newman.

One of the player booths is empty, and the computer-generated Sham Man plays the part of the missing competitor. That's the gimmick on It's Only Human—one of the contestants is not real. The point of the show, if you are one of the few people who do not watch holovision, is to pick out the Sham Man. The jackpot is six million newdollars, to be shared by each of the winning players. If the Sham Man is eliminated in the first round, the six players split the six million, but that has never happened yet. The Sham Man is always convincing enough to survive to the later rounds, and only a few players ever really take home any money. But like I said, most of the people on these game shows are morons, so I should stand a much better chance.

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