All Over the Place by Geraldine DeRuiter

Author:Geraldine DeRuiter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: PublicAffairs
Published: 2017-05-01T16:00:00+00:00

1. I was drunk on sangria.

2. Peeing all over the place made me feel a lot better.

3. I didn’t kill anyone.

4. I screw up a lot (see the entire rest of this book).

When you consider that, I think my actions become morally justifiable. Sometimes, it seems, the only way to reckon with your own mistakes is to make even more of them.

I walked upstairs and found everyone seated at the table, waiting for me.

“Where’s the bathroom?” Joanna asked.

“You don’t want to use it,” I said.

“It’s that bad?”

“Yes.” (This was now true.)

I looked around—Rand had paid the bill, and the waiter had retreated to the back of the café. We were all alone.

I grabbed a napkin dispenser and shoved it into my bag.

“What the hell are you doing?” Rand asked.

“They charged us twelve euros for bread, so I’m taking this.”

“Don’t take the napkin dispenser,” Kenny said, shaking his head.

I looked at him, and at the dispenser that was sticking halfway out of my purse. I thought of how desperately I needed to regain control of the situation. How badly I wanted to prove to myself—and everyone else—that I knew what I was doing. Sheepishly, I removed it and placed it back on the table.

“If anything,” he said, picking up one of the sangria goblets, “you should take this.”

Joanna, standing nearby, was nodding her agreement.

“Do it,” she said. “Hurry.”

They helped me slip the glass into my bag while Rand stared blankly at the three of us, trying to understand when, exactly, he had lost control of the situation.

“Should I take a napkin dispenser, too?” I asked.

“WE’RE LEAVING,” Rand said, quickly pushing us out before I could abscond with anything else in the name of justice.

We walked into the night, a tiny bit of light still hovering over the horizon, turning the sky violet.

Still buzzing with energy from the thrill of my small heist, I pulled the goblet from my bag and held it up proudly.

“I can’t believe you,” Rand said, shaking his head. He was partly in shadow, but I could see he was smiling.

“I had to do it. It was the only way I could get over it. They charged us twelve euros for bread, so I had to steal their glass and pee all over their bathroom.”

“Wait, what?”

“I peed all over the toilet seat. And maybe a little on the floor. I had to. So I could let it go, like you told me to.”

“You peed all over their bathroom?”

“Yes, and now we’re even, so I’ve let it go.”

“That is not at all what I meant.”

Oh. Huh.

Later, Kenny would proudly tell everyone in the office about my drunken misdeeds while Rand repeatedly reminded everyone that my actions were not representative of the company or its executive team. He maintains to this day that conflicts should not be resolved via theft and/or urination.

And he’s right, of course. I screwed up big time on this one. I’m tempted to fixate on it, as I always do. But that never gets me anywhere.

Instead,

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