Afterland by Lauren Beukes

Afterland by Lauren Beukes

Author:Lauren Beukes [Lauren Beukes]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2020-07-28T00:00:00+00:00


Posted: 30 April 2021 23:18

Ask Dr. FuzzWolf: Human Culgoa Virus Edition

In this week’s special edition, Dirty Harry’s resident armchair expert and agony uncle Dr. FuzzWolf has the lowdown on everything you need to know about Human Culgoa Virus and the imminent Manpocalypse! (TL;DR We’re fucked.)

What is this Culgoa thing I keep hearing about?

The basics? Really? Okay, let’s assume you haven’t turned on a screen in the last six months and managed to avoid all the public emergency information. HCV or Human Culgoa Virus or just Culgoa is a highly contagious flu that turns into an aggressive prostate cancer in men and boys—which quickly gets into your skeleton, rots your bones, and causes you to die a horrible agonizing death. For the ladies, there’s some snotting and coughing, maybe a fever, but no black cankers eating you from inside your deep pleasure zone. But, hey, don’t say the female of the species never gave you anything! They can still be carriers and infect you, like the worst ever game of pass-the-parcel.

Unlike your racist Fox News-lovin’ grandparents, you’ll be pleased to know that CV does not discriminate on race, class, religion, or sexuality. You just need to have that Y chromosome. Sorry trans sisters, peace out: It’s the equal-opportunity fuck-you we’ve been promised since the dawn of the first mitochondrial collision.

Is it really the worst pandemic we’ve ever seen?

Hmmm. Well, let’s take a look at the worst killer plagues in history, shall we? Not including war, famine, drought, or nasty side effects of global warming.

Sorry to disappoint you, but Ebola only killed 11,000 people. That Big Bad of the 80s, AIDS, has killed about 39 million people globally, since 1969, when we first started tracking it. The Spanish Flu of 1918 killed somewhere between 20–50 million people (hey, they were a little too preoccupied with a world war to keep accurate numbers on flu fatalities). The Black Plague took out 50 million Europeans in 1346. But we have to go all the way back to the Justinian Plague in 541, to hit the really impressive numbers. One hundred million Byzantine Empire citizens, dead from bubonic plague, fever, and disgusting bubos growing in their groins or armpits.

Now, ready to be shocked and horrified? Need an excuse to crawl under the bed and stay there? According to the experts, those fine men and women of science and research, Culgoa has infected an estimated five BILLION people so far. That’s most of us out of a population of 7.4 billion human beings. They say that’s a conservative estimate. We don’t have figures on countries like North Korea or Russia and a few other places that consider their infection rate a state secret, in case the world market panics and tanks even more than it has already. Yeah, I see you, making a bonfire out of the stocks pages.

Okay, infected is one thing and that sounds really bad, but that doesn’t mean everyone is gonna die, right?

Well here’s the good news. Oh no, wait, sorry, there is no good news.



Download



Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.