A Mouthful of Air by Amy Koppelman

Author:Amy Koppelman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Two Dollar Radio
Published: 2021-08-17T00:00:00+00:00

FOURTEEN

Julie sticks her key into the lock and opens her front door. Teddy and Georgie are laughing when she enters. At this very moment her presence feels like an invasion. She’s an intruder in her own home. Julie is reminded of this often, of how little the choice she has made to live really matters. Thankfully, Teddy waddles toward her with his arms open. “Ma Ma.”

Ma Ma bends down and scoops him up. “Ooh!” Julie says, squeezing him tight. He likes this and laughs. But when she puts him back down his whole body deflates. “I’m sorry, baby. Mommy needs to rest and then she’ll take you out, okay?”

She doesn’t actually wait for his response because it has to be okay. “Don’t worry, ma’am,” Georgie says, taking Teddy’s hand. “He’ll be fine.” Julie accepts what Georgie says at face value because she must. Julie looks at her son standing there but stops herself. Who cares if Georgie is or isn’t taunting. She needs to be alone. In darkness she will feel nothing. In darkness there is only a flicker of hope and then sleep.

Julie drops her keys and glasses on top of her vanity, leaves her sneakers by the side of the bed, draws the blinds. She puts the book her mother gave her on Ethan’s pillow, then pulls the covers up past her chin until they cover her eyes.

It is four o’clock when she wakes. Two hours gone. She jumps up only to rest her head on the pillow again. She is reminded. Her hand circles the skin on her stomach. How can she allow herself to become a mother again? But if she ends this pregnancy, what is she? What would that make her? What would that make her and Ethan? Julie sits, slow to throw her legs off the bed, slow to stand.

There’s still time. If she pushes herself even just a little bit she can still do all the things she wanted to do today. Run over to the market, prepare dinner. She puts on her sneakers, grabs her keys. She’s not going to let herself think about the baby until Ethan gets home. Today was supposed to be about her son, and she wants it to be about him.

Julie stops in the kitchen to take her afternoon dose of medicine. There is a difference already. A slight but noticeable improvement in her mood, in her ability to concentrate, to complete things. And in another month she should feel much better. Every doctor says this. Julie nods as she opens the refrigerator and grabs an Evian. In a month everything, she swallows and begins making a list for the market: two chicken breasts, a dozen eggs, breadcrumbs, everything will be different.

Julie resolves to keep dinner simple, breaded chicken and string beans. She hears Teddy and resolves that she is not going to be insecure, she’s not going to argue with Georgie, not that they actually argue, but she’s not going to be intimidated. Instead, what she’s

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