A Dash O Doric by Shepherd Robbie; Harper Norman;

Author:Shepherd, Robbie; Harper, Norman;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Birlinn

Aches and Pains

Some of the best humour comes when the guard is down. Doctors and nurses are usually the best witnesses on such occasions.

ONE OF Aberdeenshire’s most celebrated chemists before World War II was Alexander Sim Weir, who dispensed pills and potions at Kemnay and was known throughout mid-Donside as “Aul Phizz”. His contemporaries were Jim Stephen, the postmaster, and Miss Burnett, a very prim and proper old lady.

Miss Burnett was exceptionally fond of her pet Scottie, although she resented the 7/6d that the annual dog licence cost. She appeared at Jim Stephen’s post office one afternoon and asked for her licence. When she was told the price, she remarked: “An awful lot for such a small dog.”

Unimpressed, Jim returned: “If ye wint onythin chaeper, ging doon tae ‘Aul Phizz’ for tippence o pooshin.”

RETIRED LORRY driver Bill Duncan, of Aberlour, had been warned by his doctor that he would have to moderate his diet and step up the exercise, because a lifetime of sitting behind the wheel had made him a prime candidate for a heart attack.

“Fit exercise wid ye be thinkin o?” he inquired of the doctor.

“Walking, swimming, anything that gets you active,” the medical man said. “You’re also very weak in your upper arms, so I suggest you take two five-pound tattie bags every morning, one in each hand, and stretch out your arms until they’re pointing straight out from your body. Hold them there for five seconds, then let them down slowly. Repeat that five times every morning for a fortnight, then move on to ten-pound tattie bags and do that for another fortnight. Then come back and see me.”

When the month was over, Bill returned to the doctor and pronounced himself feeling grand. The doctor examined him and noticed that there didn’t appear to have been much change in the blood pressure, the waistline, the upper arms or anything else.

“Have you been lifting the tattie bags like I told you?” he asked.

“Michty aye,” Bill said. “In fact, I’m deein that weel I’ll maybe pit some tatties in them next wikk.”

WE WON’T be identifying which village surgery in the North-east hosted the following conversation (for obvious reasons), but our source explained that it involved a chat between two elderly women who thought that their GP fancied himself as a bit of a matinée idol.

“In fact,” said one, “ivry time he taks a wifie’s pulse, he taks aff 10 beats tae accoont for her bein sae excited.”

NORTH-EAST hospitals are now reporting the discovery of a new Class A drug exclusive to Aberdeen.

Kenfitamine.

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