The Zombie Bible by Ian Hall

Author:Ian Hall
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: apocalypse, zombie, holocaust, survival
Publisher: Ian Hall

ZOMBIE STEP 6

THE ZOMBIE FAILSAFE

(For everyone)

Okay; in case of Zombie Holocaust/Apocalypse; Look at the back of your hands. If there is a message in black sharpie, saying “My hammer is in the kitchen drawer” and “Look in a Mirror!”, and you can’t remember how the writing got there, I’ve got some bad news for you. You’re either suffering from a HUGE practical joke by your drunken mates last night…. Or you’re a Zombie.

If there are messages in black sharpie, saying “My hammer is in the kitchen drawer” and “Look in a Mirror!”, then guess what you should do?

GO TO A MIRROR!

You may be surprised to see a post-it note Cellotaped to your forehead.

If the note reads; “Don’t panic. You’re a Zombie. Look in your back pocket. There’s a book. OPEN IT AT PAGE ONE”

Then go DIRECTLY to step 7.

(It’s down below, trust me. Zombies still having problems with numbers, just read on. Zombies having problems with simple instructions; go find a speeding bullet with your head; oh, I forgot you can’t understand irony. How sad.)

Okay, if you’re still here with me, there’s no message on the back of your hands, or you’re too stupid to read instructions.

For those humans too stupid to read instructions, I’m going to ignore you. I take back what I said earlier; you’re not worth the 99c you spent on this survival guide.

Okay, so there’s NO messages in black Sharpie, on the back of both hands, saying “My hammer is in the kitchen drawer” and “Look in a Mirror!”? You need to write it yourself, right now.

Yes, I said YOU have to write it. Take the aforementioned Black Sharpie, and write in big letters on the back of your BOTH hands; “My hammer is in the kitchen drawer” and “Look in the Mirror!”

(I’ll wait till you do this.)

(I’m also making the assumption that you still have both hands attached to your body. If you don’t, go outside and be food for someone. When the vaccine arrives, they won’t give it to you first anyway, you’re way down on the pecking order. They know you won’t survive the trauma back to humanity with only one arm, a profusely bleeding socket, and a lack of nurses to treat you.)

Right, messages written, right? On the back of both hands?

The reason why I’m saying BOTH HANDS is pretty obvious for most zombie fans. But for the slow out there, and the zombie slow, we need to write it on the back of BOTH HANDS in case you lose one. Zombie limbs are easily bitten, wrenched, and cut off. There’s no point in not being safe. It’s like the Irishman who wears two condoms when having sex… in a suitably leprechaun accent, he says; “To be sure, to be sure.”

(The bored reader might wonder why I’m being so pedantic about this, and methodical to the point of being boring… don’t question the method when I’m teaching you to survive! Many people have already ignored me, and they’re dead!)

Right. Look in your pocket for the laminated zombie card.

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