The Six Conversations by Heather Holleman

Author:Heather Holleman [Holleman, Heather]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Moody Publishers
Published: 2022-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Think of supportive listening as offering your full self—everything you are—in that moment.

Once you’ve given your full presence in conversation, now what? Well, this part truly excites me because it’s a skill we fail to learn or teach well. Supportive listening involves listening for a whole narrative and interpreting the information someone gives you to make a larger story about their lives. Researchers call this “synthesizing conversational information” and actively trying to interpret what people say to assign meaning to it.4 How does this look practically? What are we actually listening for? We are listening for themes, repeating ideas, and most importantly, core values. We are listening for how to help others make sense of what’s happening to them and place it into the larger story of what we know about them.

As I tried to figure out how to become a supportive listener, I was randomly reading a leadership book on how to bring out the best in those I was leading at Penn State. In his book Extraordinary Influence: How Great Leaders Bring Out the Best in Others, Dr. Tim Irwin alerts us to how to speak what he calls “words of life” to people.5 I found myself practically shaking with joy as I learned to listen for a person’s core values as they speak so I could then speak life-giving words to them. As I discern those values, I can point them out in conversation and help others feel nurtured and inspired. Irwin lists several core values to observe (integrity, courage, humility, good judgment, authenticity, self-regulation, wisdom, candor, resilience, and influence) to name in others as a way to bring out the best in them. When I thought about the Three Fresh Goals of Conversation (encouragement, progress, and marveling), I thought of Irwin’s core values as the missing link I needed in conversation. I’m listening for core values. I’m listening to hear what people truly care about most of all.

I recently aimed to forge a warm connection with a businessperson in our town. Our friendship was growing, but I didn’t yet feel that bond of a deeper connection. As we spoke one day, she began talking about a project in which she didn’t feel like she was able to do her best work. As I listened, I realized something about her: she deeply valued excellence as her top core value. In fact, many of our conversations related to whether or not she felt successful in certain projects. The narrative of her life involves success. I commented, “It sounds like your core value is excellence, and you feel best when you’re meeting and exceeding the expectation of others.”

She beamed. “Yes! That’s right. You know me!” she said with a laugh.

I then moved into some options for supportive questions based on the six conversations. Here are some of the questions I knew I could ask:

What does that feel like when you know you’ve done a mediocre job? How do you handle it? (emotional)

How long have you valued excellence like this?

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