The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Published: 2011-07-15T18:03:49+00:00

‘Where’s that waitress gone?’ asked Tuppe.

‘This food’s really good,’ said Louise.

‘Why did I get a plate of grass?’ asked Boris. ‘I wanted cod and chips like the rest of you. Hic!’

‘That sleazy-looking bald bloke at the table over there’s winking at us again,’ said Thelma.

Louise waved to Mr Rodway. ‘I think I know who’ll be paying for our lunch,’ she whispered to Cornelius.

‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ the fat black man in the white tuxedo had switched off his ghetto-blaster and was now on his feet, ‘I hope you are all enjoying your lunch at The Casablanca dining-suite. As those who have dined here before, and I see a lot of familiar faces…‘ The fat black man fluttered his fingers and a lady in a straw hat fluttered hers back at him. ‘As those who have dined here before will know, the Skelington Bay Grande (hot and cold running water in all rooms and fitted carpet tiles throughout) is always pleased at this time of the day to present its cabaret.’

Polite applause pattered about the dining-suite.

‘And today, for the first time anywhere, we present…‘ He stooped and flicked the switch on his ghetto-blaster, a drum roll drum-rolled.

‘I didn’t know we were getting a floor show,’ said Tuppe. ‘I hope it’s a stripper.’

The fat black man switched off his ghetto-blaster. ‘Courtesy of Samuel Showstein Productions, I give you Professor Tuppe and his dancing sheep.’

‘What?’ went Tuppe, as all eyes in the room turned towards the only sheep in the room.

‘Hang about, this can’t be right.’ Tuppe snatched up his contract. ‘What’s this?’ He found what he was looking for almost at once, as it was all that was written in the contract. “‘Three shows a day, everyday, starting today, cheque to be made out in advance to Mr Showstein. Cheque received with thanks by Mr Showstein.” Yeah, well I never signed this, so it’s not legally binding.’

‘Come on up now, Professor,’ called the fat black white-tuxedo-wearer. ‘We all want to see the woolly wonder.’

Cornelius looked at Tuppe.

And Tuppe looked at Cornelius.

‘You’d better do something,’ whispered the tall boy. ‘One quick little song and dance before we call for the desserts tray.’

‘Song and dance?’ Tuppe whispered back. ‘Look at Boris, he can’t even walk, let alone dance.’

The little black lips of Boris’s sheep mask were curled into a lopsided grin. The woolly wonder was well out of it.

‘I’ll handle this,’ said Cornelius, rising to his feet and dusting himself down with a napkin. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I regret that Professor Tuppe’s dancing sheep strained a fetlock this morning in rehearsals and will not be able to perform until this evening.’

‘Aw,’ went the diners, and ‘shame’.

‘I’m sure you’re all animal lovers’, said Cornelius, ‘and would not wish to cause suffering to a dumb beast.’ Heads nodded all around, one or two people clapped.

‘Who are you calling dumb?’ giggled Boris.

‘Shut up,’ said Tuppe, ramming a hand over his mouth.

‘Thank you,’ said Cornelius sitting down.

‘Oi you,’ said a young man, standing up. He was quite a broad-shouldered young man and fierce-looking with it.

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