The Five People You Meet in Hell by Rich Pablum

Author:Rich Pablum
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2005-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

i'll show you

how to connect, bub

“E verything in the world is connected,” began a tiny but very serious man Edgy met on his way out of the park. “My responsibility is to explain this to you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Edgy said, pushing him out of the way. “The whole Kevin Bacon thing.”

“Never heard that one,” the man said as he slowly got back on his feet. “I'm talking about the tides and the moon, man … longitude and latitude … fat-free potato chips and anal leakage.”

“I see,” said Edgy. “Seems that you're a true master of the obvious.”

“I should hope so. Majored in it in college. Now, you wanna talk about a great movie?” he continued. “My pick would be Citizen Kane .”

“Uh-huh …”

“And when it comes to seafood, I think lobster can't be beat.”

“Evil world leaders?”

“Hitler was absolutely awful,” said the man.

“Cola?”

“I consider Coke Classic to be at the top of the heap. Sells very well, too, from what I understand.”

“Musical groups?”

“I'm a huge Beatles fan.”

“Salad?”

“Hail, Caesar!”

“You are a learned man,” Edgy deadpanned, recognizing that he was in the company of a cretin. “But, please—tell me how and why I ended up in hell, if that's in fact where I am.”

“How about a hug first?”

“Pardon me?”

“I'm just the kind of person who feels that establishing physical contact allows me to open up more and to share intimacies.”

“So how long have you been in therapy?” Edgy asked.

“All right, listen up,” said the little man. “How'd you like the history of consciousness in a nutshell?”

Not as much as I'd like to see you in a nuthouse, Edgy thought. Nonetheless, against his better judgment, he said, “Fire away.”

“There is evidence of direct linkage between the tiniest grain of sand and the needles on a pine tree. Between a squeeze bottle of pourable mustard in a Schenectady diner and a rock formation in a canyon in Utah. Between the position of the sun and David Duchovny's career choices.

“See, everything happens for a reason. We—”

Some unexpected physical contact—Edgy's fist meeting his jaw, a right hook that would have made Lennox Lewis proud—interrupted the man's train of thought.

“Yeah, thanks,” Edgy said, walking away. “I read something about that once in a fortune cookie.”

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