Stuffed Lives by Alastair Scott

Author:Alastair Scott
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781903238257
Publisher: Neil Wilson Publishing
Published: 2012-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Tony BLiar rearranged cramped buttocks in his chair, blew his nose, brushed a piece of errant fluff from his tie and consulted his diary.

11.30 Meeting with: Secretary of State for Transport, Alista Darning

Scottish Parliamentary Minister for Transport, Nicol Steelpen

Topic: Private Finance Initiative – Location for Pilot Scheme

They arrived promptly. Darning, BLiar observed – for he was taking notes for his retirement autobiography – looked tired and limp, ‘like a British Rail signal with nothing to report’. Steelpen was ‘enviably youthful’.

They exchanged pleasantries.

‘Private Finance Initiatives,’ BLiar began, ‘the new art of using the private sector to pay our bills. This is the future, gentlemen, and I’m sure we can not only make it work, but make it look good. Political expediency dressed as philanthropy has always been the most effective way forwards, don’t you agree?’ He paused to allow his rhetorical question space. ‘So, where d’you think this bridge, our flagship PFI, ought to be?’ He rummaged through the sheaf of reports looking for big words. ‘FORTH …?’

‘Not the best option, sir,’ Darning ventured. ‘Admittedly the current bridge is hopelessly inadequate for the volume of traffic, but the scheme would never pay at eighty pence a crossing. We’d never get a private financier at that rate of return.’

‘Hmmm. Sure you’re right. SEVERN?’

‘Don’t deserve one. Conservatives and Lib-Dems mostly.’

‘Hmmm. HUMBER?’

Darning dismissed this as well. ‘Very expensive. Too risky for a first. No, sir, my recommendation would be this Flabbay place.’

‘Never heard of it. Where in God’s kingdom is it?’

‘We’re not sure that it is, sir,’ Steelpen joked. ‘Northwest Highlands. Small island. Small project. No great shakes if it fails, but could be useful PR. The Long Reach of a Caring Government … helping smaller communities.’

‘Thank you, Nicol. And what would this option cost us?’

‘This is the tricky bit, sir. Given its remoteness, it would qualify for Objective One funding from Europe in the next round of applications in August. So it could cost us just the road construction. Well under a million.’

BLiar gave him a quizzical look. ‘But it wouldn’t be a PFI, would it?’

‘No, sir. That’s what I meant about being tricky.’

‘Well that’s no good. We need a PFI.’ He raised his glasses and rubbed the welt on his nose, while thinking. ‘August is six months away. If we sign contracts quickly then Europe would be irrelevant. Tell me, what’s the local council and how’s it likely to react to this bridge?’

‘Highland Regional Council, sir. They’ve been pressing for a bridge for years. But they’re adamant they don’t want a toll bridge. And they’re pretty clued up on European grants.’

‘They’d still need government money,’ Darning reminded the Prime Minister, ‘even if they got the grant from Europe. I suggest we tell them there’s absolutely no likelihood of money from us towards any aspect of a bridge for the next twenty years. And there’s Flabbay High School. Falling to bits. Leaks all over the place. We could suggest it’s a choice between the PFI bridge and the upgrading of their school, or a free bridge in twenty years and no funds for the school.

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