Secrets of a D-List Supervillain by Jim Bernheimer

Author:Jim Bernheimer [Bernheimer, Jim]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: EJB Networking
Published: 2014-12-25T06:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

Reports of My Death have been Greatly Exaggerated

“That was rather vigorous,” I say, or rather pant. “I am going to have to start a serious workout regimen to stay up with you.”

Stacy, propped up on one elbow, chuckles and slowly drags her right index finger in a swirling motion across my chest. “If you want my opinion, I think that was much better than the hot fudge sundae fiasco. And there’s less mess to clean up afterward.”

“Yeah, definitely going to need to hit the cardio. Consider my booty called and then redialed.”

She’s about to say something when a third voice interrupts, “Calvin, if you and Stacy have concluded your session of intercourse, perhaps I can interrupt? Otherwise, can you give me a time to return?”

Turning my head, I see Andydroid standing about twenty feet from us, in the shade of a pair of trees.

Stacy shrieks like a schoolgirl, and uses the nearest object to cover her chest. It happens to be my hand, so I’m not too terribly broken up about it. I roll to block Andy’s view of the Love Goddess in her natural state.

“How long have you been standing there, Andy?”

The robot answers, “I’ve been in my present position for seven minutes and thirty-seven seconds. The two of you were otherwise engaged, and did not detect my approach. Thus, I encountered what you humans refer to as an awkward situation. I did not wish to interrupt, and based on the material you, Bobby, and Larry watch, it is customary for the third person in this position to watch. If I had been female, it would also be customary for me to begin touching myself.”

Stacy gasps with something between a choke and laughter, before saying, “How much porn are you letting Andy watch?”

There’s no good answer to her question, so I ignore it. “What’s going on?”

“It appears that an arrest warrant has been issued for Wendy LaGuardia on the grounds of failure to comply with the instructions of a federal marshal, resisting arrest, evasion, and child endangerment. Several US military helicopters began monitoring the position of the Megasuit as it conducts firefighting operations. When I detected an increase in the volume of radio traffic and several other approaching aircraft, I opted not to engage and sent the suit into the fire zone.”

“Well, that didn’t take long!” I say. “Andy, go back downstairs. Stacy and I will be along in a moment.”

My companion frowns. “The military isn’t going to attack. They are waiting for the superheroes. I would be willing to bet that if I went back to my hoversled, I’d find an emergency recall message waiting for me.”

“Probably,” I answer. “But then again, your team is still a few people down. I do know one team who didn’t lift a damned finger in San Francisco. Let’s go see what the West Coast Guardians are up to.”

• • •

Andy relinquishes control as soon as I jack in to the command circuit. My senses expand and I connect to the suit.

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