Red Dwarf: Backwards by Rob Grant

Author:Rob Grant
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 9780140171501
Publisher: Penguin
Published: 1996-11-06T15:00:00+00:00

is what was printed on the screen.

3(a)... Gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits gits...

is what Rimmer read.

Just then, his existence became marginally less bearable. Lister entered the cabin.

'Check-out time, guys. The A team has arrived.' 'You're late,' Rimmer smiled tightly. 'You've been using the Artificial Reality machine again, haven't you?

'What d'you mean "again"?'

'Everybody knows you only use that damned machine to have sex.'

'Not true.'

'Yes, true. It's pathetic watching you grind away on your own, day after day. You look like a dog that's missing its master's leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime guarantee. You've nearly worn it out in less than three weeks.'

'That is a scandalous, outrageous piece of libel. I don't just play the role-play games. What about the sporting simulations? Zero Gee, Kick Boxing, Wimbledon...'

'You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jail-bait ball girl.'

'Another total lie. She is not jail-bait. She's seventeen. She's older than me.'

'The point is, once again, you're late for change-over, and it's me who has to suffer.'

'I'll try and make up for it by giving you a shout before we throw a loop-de-loop,' Lister smirked, a clear reference to Rimmer's minor asteroidal omission earlier and one-hundred-per-cent certain to earn him pride of place in Revenge Pending.

'Things have changed, Lister.' Rimmer rose from his station. 'We no longer enjoy the protection of a ship the size of a small nation. We're crammed together on a tiny rust bucket, designed to ferry ore from ship to surface, not extended exploration of uncharted Deep Space, and the only vague, remote hemi-demi-semi-chance we have of staying alive for more than two seconds, is by observing rigid, rigid, discipline. Rigid!' Rimmer karate chopped the air to punctuate each enunciation of the word 'rigid', ostensibly for emphasis, though he found it hard to fight off the mental image of each blow cracking down on Lister's neck.

'And by warning the pilot when an asteroid's about to smack into him,' Lister added unnecessarily.

'Rigid,' was all Rimmer could think of as an exit line, and he stepped briskly down from the cockpit cabin into the mid-section before Lister could get in another zinger.

As the door slid shut behind him, Rimmer dragged his hands savagely down his face and let out a strangled, curdled growl.

How could this have happened?

Red Dwarf was a huge vessel. Gargantuan. If you landed it in the Pacific Ocean, it would show up in an atlas of the planet Earth, for heaven's sake. Yet when they'd arrived at the rendezvous point it had disappeared without a trace.

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