In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: . . . And Other Complaints from an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy by Adam Carolla

Author:Adam Carolla [Carolla, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Essays, Humor, American wit and humor, Form, General
ISBN: 9780307717375
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2010-11-02T04:00:00+00:00

TAXES

I’ve had an impacted assful of people on the left who bitch and moan about how the rich don’t pay their “fair share” of taxes. You may not know who Maxine Waters is. She’s a representative out here in California. Imagine Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son but stupid. I saw her on Bill Maher’s show a few years ago saying it’s time the rich paid their fair share and I thought, “Hey, bitch. I paid almost a million bucks last year and I use nothing. What do you mean ‘fair share’?” I pay seventy-five times as much as a shop teacher. Should we make it 175? We already have the top one percent paying 40 percent of the taxes. I paid more last year than my entire family paid in their entire lives since their parents got here from fucking Italy.

Imagine there are two groups: a group with five people and a group with ninety-five people. The five people are paying for everything, but all hundred people get one vote each. So the five people who are paying for everything get five votes and the ninety-five who aren’t paying for anything get ninety-five votes. If I asked, “Who thinks the five percent should be paying more?” of course the group of ninety-five will raise their hands and say, “Hell yeah, they should pay more.” And because everyone gets one vote, the group of five would have to pay more. Fuck that. That sounds like a democracy, but it’s not.

I’d like a system where you got one vote for every ten grand you put in. If you’re a cop, schoolteacher, garbage man, or fireman, you essentially get one vote. If you pay a hundred thousand dollars a year, you get ten votes. Bill Gates would get two million votes. And why shouldn’t he get more votes? He’s paying for that many more roads, that many more M1 Abrams tanks, that many more schools. Bill Gates gets the same vote that my mom gets? She’ll just use her vote to make him pay more taxes.

And if you don’t pay taxes, you shouldn’t get to vote at all. Criminals aren’t allowed to vote. Why? Because they are no longer considered members of our society. If you don’t pay taxes, you are not contributing to society. You can use the roads, the parks, or go to those places where they hide the books. (What are those called again? Libraries?) But you don’t get to vote in shareholder meetings at companies where you don’t own stock.

Every one of those people who says I don’t pay my “fair share” thinks that every rich person got that way because of Daddy’s money. My dad didn’t own a tobacco plantation. I fucking earned my way to this tax bracket. I have more because I worked for it. And contrary to popular belief, the lion’s share of people in my bracket and beyond are self-starters who busted their ass to get where they are, not one of the Hilton sisters.

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