Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett

Author:Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett [Gaiman, Neil & Pratchett, Terry]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
Tags: Fantasy, Fiction:Humor
ISBN: 9780060853983
Publisher: HarperTorch
Published: 2006-08-14T10:00:00+00:00

Newt's hand went automatically to his pocket. His cigarette lighter had gone.

"What's this mean?" he said hoarsely.

"Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter?" said Anathema.

"No," said Newt, taking a desperate defense in sarcasm. "You're going to tell me she invented mad people, I suppose."

"Another fine old Lancashire name," said Anathema coldly. "If you don't believe, read up on the witch trials of the early seventeenth century. She was an ancestress of mine. As a matter of fact, one of your ancestors burned her alive. Or tried to."

Newt listened in fascinated horror to the story of Agnes Nutter's death.

"Thou-Shalt-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer?" he said, when she'd finished.

"That sort of name was quite common in those days," said Anathema. "Apparently there were ten children and they were a very religious family. There was Covetousness Pulsifer, False-Witness Pulsifer—"

"I think I understand," said Newt. "Gosh. I thought Shadwell said he'd heard the name before. It must be in the Army records. I suppose if I'd gone around being called Adultery Pulsifer I'd want to hurt as many people as possible."

"I think he just didn't like women very much."

"Thanks for taking it so well," said Newt. "I mean, he must have been an ancestor. There aren't many Pulsifers. Maybe… that's why I sort of met up with the Witchfinder Army? Could be Fate," he said hopefully.

She shook her head. "No," she said. "No such thing."

"Anyway, witchfinding isn't like it was in those days. I don't even think old Shadwell's ever done more than kick over Doris Stokes's dustbins."

"Between you and me, Agnes was a bit of a difficult character," said Anathema, vaguely. "She had no middle gears."

Newt waved the bit of paper.

"But what's it got to do with this?" he said.

"She wrote it. Well, the original. It's No. 3819 of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, first published 1655."

Newt stared at the prophecy again. His mouth opened and shut.

"She knew I'd crash my car?" he said.

"Yes. No. Probably not. It's hard to say. You see, Agnes was the worst prophet that's ever existed. Because she was always right. That's why the book never sold."

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