Fucking History by Captain The

Author:Captain, The
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rum Tongue Media Inc.
Published: 2018-02-24T16:00:00+00:00

SEXUAL SWORDPLAY

S-E-X. You know, knocking boots, tappin’ ass, answering the bone phone — whatever you choose to call it, no topic in society is discussed as often as sex. As humans, we’re simply obsessed with it. So, naturally, sexual innuendos have found their way into pretty much every aspect of life over the years. Albeit, some of these innuendos were made far more obvious than others.

For example, single girls in 19th-century Finland would attend parties wearing an empty sword or dagger sheath around their waist. The single men in attendance, well, they’d slip their sword into the sheath of whichever girl they were interested in “getting to know.” The girl could then decide to either remove the sword and return it to the potential suitor, or let the sword stay and allow the man to take an actual stab at her. Oh, and they were also now engaged. Yeah, engaged. A sword in the sheath was a marriage proposal. How fucking lame of a proposal is that? Imagine going to a bar as a single female nowadays if this same dating ritual were practiced today; there is absolutely no fucking way you’d leave without a fiancé.

Your mom would be like, “So how did you guys meet?” And your answer, “Silly story, Mom. So I got drunk at a bar and I thought I was carrying the sword of this tall, handsome doctor I was talking to earlier in the night. So I didn’t return it, but, yeah, it wasn’t. So now, Kyle and I are engaged — surprise!” And then your dad would be like, “Goddamnit, Lindsey.” And you’d be married to some piece-of-shit wannabe DJ for the rest of your life. Terrible, just terrible.

Now, aren’t you glad guys at bars are only trying to poke you with their dicks instead of actual swords? The latter sounds pretty fucking dangerous.

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