Cheech & Chong's Almost Legal Book for Stoners by Cheech Marin

Author:Cheech Marin [Marin, Cheech; Chong, Tommy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780762449880
Publisher: Running Press

Just make sure you refrain from using any words that have anything to do with anything illegal! By law, head shop owners and employees will have to kick you out of the store if you so much as suggest that they’re dealing with anything that promotes illegal activity.

The cryptic conversations that happen in head shops are always interesting and comical. Like this typical tête-á-tête between a customer and clerk:

CLERK: Hello there.

CUSTOMER: Hi . . . lo to you, too. [Relieved to quickly turn Hi into Hello.]

CLERK: Can I help you?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I need a couple things. I’m interested in a . . . in one of those, uh, glass things there. [Points to shelf with bongs.]

CLERK: Excellent. We have a great selection of water pipes.

CUSTOMER: Yes, water pipes. How about that one there, on the end. [Points to ceramic skull party bong with six smoking tubes. Clerk takes it down and puts it on the countertop.]

CLERK: Great choice. This is made by a company called Homegrown.

CUSTOMER: [Stammering] Home . . . uh . . . sounds good. It looks pretty intricate. Where do you put the, uh . . . where does the, um, [purposely muffled word] go?

CLERK: Your tobacco [customer almost laughs] goes in this chamber here, and your filtering water goes in the other chamber opening.

CUSTOMER: Nice, I’ll take it. I also need a one-hi- . . . um, a . . . one of those things . . . it’s a small wooden box that holds tobacco and comes with a small tube-like, um, for the. . . .

CLERK: You mean a dugout?

CUSTOMER: [Surprised that he can say “dugout.”] Yes, of course, a dugout. Do you have any?

CLERK: [Pulls a one-hitter out of a display case.] Just this one. [Opens the lid and pulls out the metal bat, which is painted to look like a cigarette.]

CUSTOMER: Cool! That would fool anyone! [Clerk looks at customer funny.] I mean, um, I’m trying to cut back on cigarettes, and, uh, I can just take one puff of tobacco at a time and it still looks like I’m having a full cig. [Customer almost hyperventilates, averts eye contact with clerk.]

CLERK: Yes, exactly, that’s what dugouts are for. [Customer laughs nervously.]

CUSTOMER: I’ll take it. And I just need one more thing. [Hears door open, turns to see a girl with two dogs walk in, turns back.] Well, uh, we want to make our own, um, whipped cream, and need those things you use to, uh. . . .

CLERK: Whippets!

CUSTOMER: [Shocked and delighted] You’re allowed to call them whippits?!!

CLERK: [Bends down to pet the dogs that just ran around the counter.] Well that’s what they are, although some people mistake them for greyhounds. [Pets the two whippet dogs for a second before they run back around the counter.] Now what else did you need? Oh, right, you want some N20 cartridges for making whipped cream. They come a dozen per box. Okay?

CUSTOMER: [About to pass out] Yes. N2O cartridges. That will be all.

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