8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health) by Brandt Andrea

Author:Brandt, Andrea [Brandt, Andrea]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company
Published: 2013-10-21T00:00:00+00:00

Woven through this chapter is the need for honest and compassionate communication between people, rather than exchanges that evade feelings and excuse behavior. In the next chapter, we look at assertive communication and how it can contribute to breaking the passive-aggressive cycle and healing damaged relationships.

KEY 5

COMMUNICATE ASSERTIVELY

Abby and Jim were traveling in England with some friends when Abby stumbled on the cobblestones. She put out an arm to break her fall and instead broke her arm—just a hairline fracture, but enough to put her in a local emergency room for the afternoon while the others looked at some of the ancient colleges.

Jim stayed with her in the hospital and held her hand, but he was quiet. He was thinking about last year’s trip to Italy. That time, Abby missed the last step coming out of a church and fell hard on her knees. Nothing was broken, but one knee was badly bruised. The traveling group—some of Jim’s old friends from college—was headed for the Lake Country. They would be sleeping in a different place every night, and day hikes were planned. Jim knew they couldn’t keep up, so he and Abby stayed in Venice for several days and caught up with the group in Milan.

As they waited now in the Oxford hospital, Abby was upset. “I’m so sorry,” Abby said again and again. Jim just nodded and tried to smile. Finally, she added, “I’m just so clumsy at times.” He laughed. “Yeah, especially when we travel.” She laughed with him, but it didn’t feel funny. Actually, she had forgotten about the time in Venice, but when she thought about it, she remembered those few days as one of the best vacations ever—she had rarely felt as close to Jim as she did then. Abby was Jim’s second wife—quite a bit younger than him—and the friends they traveled with were his college buddies and their wives. She knew he liked to spend time with them, but she had been happy to be alone with him for a while.

This time it was only Abby’s arm that was broken. As Jim said when they rejoined the group for dinner, “At least this time, we can stay on the road with you guys. Unless we have to walk on our hands—then I’ll rethink it.” The men teased Jim about looking for an excuse to hole up with Abby at a country inn in the Cotswolds, and the women were very sympathetic. Abby wondered what Jim was thinking, but she figured the whole episode would blow over. After all, the cobblestones were wet—it’s not like she had fallen on purpose.

Still, he spent a lot of time walking with his college friends, busy taking pictures, leaving her behind with the wives. With her cast, some things were more difficult for her to do, but the wives helped her—and they were so thoughtful that it made her feel special.

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