2001 - Dead Famous by Ben Elton

Author:Ben Elton
Format: epub

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN. 8.00 p.m.

The sweatbox stood waiting in the boys’ bedroom, but for the time being the housemates remained in the living area, trying to get drunk enough to take the plunge.

‘Well, we gotta do four hours in there,’ Gazzer said, ‘and if we don’t want to get caught all nudey when the sun comes up we’ll have to get started by one at the latest.’

‘I want to get it over with long before that,’ said Dervla, gulping at her strong cider.

‘Well, don’t get too pissed, Dervo,’ Jazz warned.

‘I don’t think the confines of a sweatbox are a very clever environment to honk up in.’ Peeping Tom had given them all the luxuries that they needed to get in an appropriately silly mood: plenty of booze, of course, also party hats, party food and sex toys.

‘What are they, then?’ Garry asked.

‘Love balls,’ Moon replied.

‘You stick ‘em up your twat.’

‘Blimey.’

‘I’ve got a pair at home. They’re great, keep you permanently aroused, except they can be dead embarrassing. I don’t wear knickers much, you see, and I were wearing me love balls to go shopping, right, and they fell out in the supermarket and went bouncing up the fookin’ veggies isle. This old bloke picked ‘em up for me, no fookin’idea at all. ‘Excuse me, dear, I think you dropped these.’’ Jazz fished in the party box and brought out a sort of plastic tube.

‘What’s this, then?’ He asked.

‘Knob massager,’ said Moon, who seemed to be something of an expert on the subject.

‘You stick your knob in it and it whacks you off.’

‘Ah well, you see, me, I’m a traditionalist,’ said Jazz.

‘Why get a machine to do something that is best done by hand?’ Everybody was getting quite deliberately drunk, slowly convincing themselves that they were at a party. That they were amongst friends instead of amongst rivals and competitors.

‘Quite frankly,’ said Moon, ‘at the end of the day, ninety-five per cent of sex toys never get near a knob or a vag. People buy ‘em for a laugh, to give as embarrassing birthday presents and whatever. It’s like ‘What are we going to get Sue for her eighteenth?’ ‘Oh, I know, let’s get her a fookin’ great big dildo with a swivel end. That’ll be a laugh when she opens it in front of her gran.’ Nobody actually uses this shite. Quite frankly, I’ve got a pair of nipple clamps at home and I use them for keeping my bills together.’ Along with the sex toys. Peeping Tom had supplied a coolbox full of ice creams. The modern variety of expensive iced versions of well known chocolate bars. They all dipped in excitedly.

‘I remember when there was ice creams and there was KitKats,’ Jazz observed, ‘and the idea of the two trespassing on each other’s territory was simply not an issue, it just was not going to happen. Unimaginable. Kids today reckon it’s the norm.’

‘Mars Bars started the rot,’ Dervla observed.

‘I’m old enough to remember the excitement, it seemed such an incredible idea at the time, a Mars Bar made of ice cream.

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