Your Ex-Boyfriend Will Hate This by Sullivan Blue

Author:Sullivan, Blue [Sullivan, Blue]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Limitless Publishing LLC
Published: 2015-04-28T07:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fourteen

Rewriting the Rules – Part One

While working on my undergrad degree in English Lit at Auburn University, I happened across a little-seen indie movie that shaped not only how I approached ideas and issues in my schoolwork, but also how I approached everything from that point forward. The movie was Surviving Desire, and it detailed the quirky and ultimately doomed romance between a frustrated English professor and a precocious female student. It’s essentially a staged play comprised of philosophical musings, tween angst, and more quirk than most people could reasonably be expected to tolerate, and it’s not for everyone. That said, there is a line in the film that has always stuck with me and proven invaluable, as I’ve approached the many problems (both personal and professional) encountered since.

The line comes near the end of the movie, as the professor is in class trying to make sense not only of the work by Dostoevsky he teaches, but also of the crushing heartbreak he has just experienced. He’s in a kind of punch-drunk fog that particularly infuriates one student in his class, who just wants information to help him pass the upcoming exam.

“Tell me something,” the student angrily implores. “Give me answers I can use on the test.”

The professor muses on this for a moment and then says, “The answers aren’t as important as learning to ask the questions better.”

This is a recurring theme in our book. In “Buyers and Sellers,” we talked about switching the usual man-centric questions (“Will he call?”) to ones that actually address your needs and desires (“Do I want him to call, and why?”). In the last chapter, we discussed the secret biases that can guide our foolish decisions. Take a hard look at the worksheet you completed, which asks you some important questions.

What kind of man do I want?

Am I getting that kind of man?

If I’m not getting him, why not?

If I’m close, what changes do I have to make to find true fulfillment?

If I’m not close, why do I consistently make poor choices in potential mates?

If I’m completely honest, what do my poor choices reveal about me?

Again, there aren’t any right or wrong answers here. The idea is to pose questions that make overt the reasons and codes of behavior that have largely remained hidden until now. In Blink, Gladwell points out the power of our subconscious in governing our actions, but that doesn’t mean we’re incapable of change. On the contrary! By asking ourselves the hard questions, we begin to transform who we are.

One of the most often quoted sayings is actually one of the most misquoted. It’s originally found in George Santayana’s The Life of Reason, and it goes like this:

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Santayana died six decades before Blink was published, and though it’s based on a different perspective, the quote illustrates the same point found in Gladwell’s work. Failure to acknowledge the underlying forces behind our choices condemns us to a life in stasis, a feedback loop that repeats to infinity.

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