World Class Marriage by Patty Howell & Ralph Jones

Author:Patty Howell & Ralph Jones [Howell, Patty]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-4422-0325-9
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

13

PILLAR 13

GIVING APOLOGY AND FORGIVENESS

A friend recently told us about a twenty-fifth-anniversary party where the husband gave a toast and said, “The key to our success is very simple. Within minutes after every fight, one of us says, ‘I’m sorry, Sally.’”

—Cokie and Steve Roberts

APOLOGY

Apologies are magic. They have the power to erase the problem and to bring about forgiveness and closeness. No matter how hard you try to please your partner and meet your partner’s needs, it’s inevitable that you will at some time say or do something that hurts your partner. Even when feelings are hurt, it is never too late to go back and clean it up, and you can do this by acknowledging to your partner that you know that your behavior was hurtful and that you sincerely regret causing that pain. You cannot just say the words; you must feel remorse and communicate this fully. Really let your partner see that you regret your action. Be genuine.

Difficult as it may be, it is important to acknowledge that you were wrong or did something wrong. Denying your culpability can make your partner feel frustrated or even crazy. Avoid contaminating your apology with a justification for why you did what you did—this is the time to admit your mistake and express regret, not an opportunity to mitigate blame. Nothing increases the success of an apology more than a heartfelt, “I was wrong,” as hard as it may be to admit. When you apologize truthfully from the heart, your partner is likely to be willing to forgive you. If your partner cannot forgive you right away, allow him or her the opportunity to work through his or her continuing anger or pain. Sometimes it takes time for these feelings to subside, even if you have apologized genuinely. At those times, open yourself to listening with empathy.

Remember that all feelings are transient, even these. Feelings come, and they go. When you listen to, accept, and acknowledge your partner’s rebuff of your mea culpa, his or her hurt feelings may lose their emotional grip and subside. When they do, a full, heartfelt apology will probably be accepted.

The key steps in apologizing are accessed through the three conditions that promote growth—empathy, acceptance, and genuineness:

Empathize with your partner so that you can understand his or her hurt, which opens the door to your admission to yourself that your behavior has hurt your partner.

Accept responsibility for doing something that has hurt your partner, which enables you to acknowledge to yourself that you were wrong, mistaken, or acted badly in some way.

Genuinely acknowledge this to your partner and express genuine regret.

Listen to and acknowledge any additional pain your partner expresses.

Repeat that you are sorry to have done something so hurtful to your partner and acknowledge fully any culpability you may bear.

Remember that your partner may or may not be able to forgive you right away.

Remember that you are a worthwhile person, even if your partner is unable to forgive you.

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