Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by McBride Karyl

Author:McBride, Karyl [McBride, Karyl]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Published: 2008-09-23T07:00:00+00:00

The Codependent Relationship

Overachievers often, unconsciously, find men who need to be taken care of. They are attracted to the “what I can do for you” dynamic. The daughter lets her well-learned skills of taking care of Mom and all her needs make her into a caretaker for life. When she partners with a man whom she can take care of in some way, she feels in a familiar, emotionally safe situation. A man who is dependent on her won’t abandon her. In return for taking care of him, she hopes that he will in turn fill her void and emptiness. Of course, this never works, and what happens instead is: The more demanding, dependent, or immature the man is, the more he reminds her of her mother, who was extremely needy and had “entitlement” demands. She eventually feels resentment and anger and becomes overwhelmed. She runs around trying mightily to meet his needs in hopes of a return pass of the ball, but it never quite happens that way. She gets tired.

The adult daughter does not really trust the dependent partner or his capacity for intimacy, because she knows, at some level, that she chose him because he is not capable of vulnerability or emotional intimacy. She has thwarted her need for validation and her hope for authentic, loving connection. He cannot love her for who she is, and thus she is constantly frustrated and sad. She seeks love but cannot find it until she completes her recovery.

I use a basketball analogy in therapy to give a visual image of this couple. Imagine a basketball floor with a basket at each end and bleachers on the side of the floor. The codependent, usually high-achieving woman is running back and forth making all the baskets on both sides, while the partner is sitting in the bleachers watching and hoping she will win the game for them both. After a while, the woman gets exhausted, feels frustrated and resentful, and wants to stop. The partner in the bleachers might be content that someone else is doing all the work for him, but his self-esteem is getting no validation or elevation, as he is not doing his part for himself or his partner.

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