Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner

Author:Harriet Lerner [Lerner, Harriet]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2017-01-09T23:00:00+00:00

DON’T DISSECT THE OTHER PERSON’S APOLOGY WITH TALMUDIC PRECISION

It’s laudable to examine our own apologies and hold them to a high standard. But holding others to these same standards is often counterproductive. Doing so may only serve to prolong a conflict and to keep a relationship stuck in distance and blame.

My friend Robert flew from Cleveland to New York to help his son, Aaron, move his small business to a new location. He returned home feeling wiped out and resentful. Part of the problem he recognized as his own. As a card-carrying overfunctioner and fix-it person, Robert had a long history of doing and giving more than he could comfortably do or give, then resenting the recipient of his efforts. Nevertheless, he felt bitter and resentful that Aaron appeared to take his efforts for granted. He told me that Aaron had never really thanked him, not in a way that was commensurate to the time and effort that Robert had put into helping with the move.

In the week following his return, Robert kept ruminating about his son’s lack of gratitude and decided to call Aaron to let him know. Aaron seemed surprised. He said, “Really? I didn’t thank you? Of course I appreciated all the work you did. I’m sorry.”

His apology was rejected. “It felt like Aaron was just trying to placate me,” Robert told me. “It sounded perfunctory, not at all sincere.” So instead of saying, “Thanks for the apology,” and leaving it there, Robert went on to criticize Aaron’s “sense of entitlement.” He told his son that he felt used and ended the call on an angry note, saying, “The next time you need to move, go hire a moving company.”

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