Who's in Your Room?, Revised and Updated by Stewart Emery

Author:Stewart Emery
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Berrett-Koehler Publishers

Mastering the Art of Benign Neglect

You get more of what you want by becoming aware of what you're focusing on. A good friend of ours, Mark McKergow, said, “If all you focus on is the problem, you become an expert on the problem. But, if you focus on the solution, you become an expert on the solution.”

By working with your doorkeeper and concierge, clearly focusing on what you do want rather than what you don’t, you will create your own luck and opportunities. To the extent that you’re clear about what you want, it will show up in your life. As it does and you welcome it into your room, the elements of your existence that you’d rather be without will fade into the distant background as a result of your not paying them attention. We call this the benign neglect approach to room management.

This new context for your life allows you to mentally and emotionally move elements from the foreground to the background. Those troublesome people and events that have had starring roles in the story of your life become mere dots in the distance. For the truly troublesome people, they go in the lockbox and on the shelf so you rarely think of them. In this way, you create space for what you actually want featured in the foreground of your life.

Benign neglect takes many forms. It’s any decision you make that allows a person in your room (or an activity associated with that person) to move toward the back or be gently put in the lockbox without harming them. That in turn allows someone else to step a little bit closer to you. In other words, you’re making room for people and experiences that add value and joy to your life. Often benign neglect is unintentional—perhaps a byproduct of not managing your room well and with purpose. Maybe you’ve accidentally let a friendship wane by not devoting any time to it. But other times, benign neglect can be intentional and progressive—a direct result of managing your room purposefully. It can be a deliberate strategy. Here are some examples of how to use benign neglect:

• Tell someone no. (See chapter 7 for ways to say no without sounding like a jerk.)

• Don’t engage someone who is looking for a fight.

• Suggest that instead of holding weekly in-person meetings with a colleague, you have virtual meetings every other week.

• Maintain membership in an organization but no longer hold a leadership role.

• Speak with a friend when she calls but initiate a call to her only once a month.

• Opt out of pub night or wine night in favor of staying in with your spouse or partner.

• Don’t respond to phone calls or emails quite so quickly.

We’ve seen that benign neglect can be helpful to the person on whom it’s focused. If an anchor person is using you as an excuse to complain about a problem without changing it, you’re taking that excuse away. You are inviting them to become more independent or accountable for their situation.

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