When She Makes More by Farnoosh Torabi

Author:Farnoosh Torabi
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2014-04-30T16:00:00+00:00

“The irony is that, if you think about biology and evolution, the culture has changed faster than the animal brain has. In terms of breeding, men feel the need to be the alpha in order to be an attractive man. Women’s purpose is to reproduce. Society and our prefrontal cortex have evolved but our lower animal brain tucked behind the outer cortex is stuck on the thought of ‘What does this mean for my status?’” —Brad Klontz

Find Your Rhythm and Mind Your “Man-Hers”

By and large, the thorniest road to negotiate of all is the one inside our own heads. We are born with built-in technology—physical and emotional—based on our sex. That’s not going to change. What’s also not going to change anytime soon is the animal brain seated squarely in each of us that dictates certain behaviors. While still debated in scientific and anthropological circles, many assert that women biologically want to connect with an alpha male much in the way a man seeks an attractive, compliant female with whom to procreate (or “spread his sperm,” as the biology textbooks often say). When those roles are reversed and not given consideration in the relationship, a man can feel devalued and the woman will share that belief. This is when the guy will try to look for validation in other places and perhaps entertain an extramarital affair. A breadwinning woman, on the other hand, may also stray, only to find herself with another beta male, under the misconception that he’s not going to leave her.

Brad Klontz has some strong opinions on how a couple can mind their inner mammal that yearns to keep traditional gender roles, well, traditional. He’ll be the first to state boldly that many of the decisions we make as men and women are unconscious. While it may sound shallow to say that we’ll lose our attraction to our partners when gender roles are severely reversed, it’s just the plain facts of life. Our lower brain, the part of us where we harbor all of our primitive drives, including those for food, water, and sex, just can’t handle the twenty-first-century’s role reversal. It’s not equipped with an upgrade to its technology that commands emotions and behaviors—even when those knee-jerk reactions doom the relationship, as is the case with an affair.

So how can you protect your relationship given the high risk of divorce when you make more? First, and this should sound familiar, start by looking at your family as a single economic unit. Don’t focus on who makes more or less. Families that do really well respect the total income as “our money” rather than viewing one person’s and the other person’s separate money as income “to share.” Granted, this is more about mind-set than anything else. Often the couples who have the hardest time with a role reversal are those whose incomes were fairly equal until the man lost his job. And if that couple identifies more with traditional roles, only to find themselves thrown into a very different kind of relationship dynamic, then they are at most risk for divorce.

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