What About Me?: Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship by Dr Jane Greer

Author:Dr Jane Greer [Greer, Dr Jane]
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2010-10-31T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 6

The Language of Love

Heart Talk, Not Hurt Talk

“Are we ever going to have sex again?” Jake asked Lydia one night while they were lying coldly next to each other in bed. He hadn’t planned on asking. He told himself he was finished even trying with her. But lying there that night, he couldn’t help but long for a little warmth from her side of the bed.

“That’s up to you,” Lydia said flatly.

“Up to me?” Jake asked, sitting up a bit and feeling his tension level begin to rise. “How can it be up to me? Are you saying this is my fault? You’re the one who never wants to.”

“Me?” Lydia asked, her face getting red. “I wanted to. In fact, the last time sex was even a possibility in this room it was because I initiated it. You turned me down.”

“That was after you turned me down a bunch of times,” he said angrily. This was exactly why he didn’t want to bring it up. She never acknowledged that anything she said or did was upsetting to him. He hated that.

“And that was after you got so mad about that stupid mirror and stopped being nice to me in bed. If anyone shut down around here it was you. So don’t start asking me if we are ever going to have sex again,” she yelled and then got up and left the room. Ugh! He wouldn’t give her an inch—ever! She couldn’t stand him.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this conversation or a similar one in my office, either playing out in front of me or repeated back to me by one patient or another.

“You’re wrong. I didn’t say that.”

“No, you’re wrong. That is exactly what you said.”

“You should get your ears checked. I know what I said and that wasn’t it!”

Or, “What are you talking about, I never did that.”

“That is exactly what you did!”

I call this the I’m Right, You’re Wrong Argument, and it’s the heart and soul of the Selfish Game that everyone goes to the mat over. Like Lydia and Jake, each person is feeling blamed by the other, and they are both too busy trying to defend themselves to be able to hear what is being said. And usually the discussion has nothing to do with what is really taking place, because each person locks into the perception of what they think their partner is accusing them of. Very often one or both end up feeling maligned because either they truly believe they didn’t actually do what they are being accused of or it was an innocent mistake. But by the way they perceive their partner talking to them, it is as if it was done with criminal intent.

This back and forth of angry disagreement is usually a by-product of misunderstood behavior and intentions. Whether you meant to or not, you may have hurt your partner’s feelings in one way or another. So what must happen first and foremost is that you listen to what your partner is actually saying so you can relate to their upset feelings.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.