Truth in Dating by Susan Campbell

Author:Susan Campbell [Campbell, Susan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New World Library
Published: 2011-02-18T23:00:00+00:00

The ideal Deep Dating partner is someone who can admit her mistakes without blaming or making excuses.

If I Could Change You ...

Most people have a mental picture of their ideal mate. Rarely does any actual person ever live up to this ideal picture. Here is an exercise in which you both get to reveal your ideal pictures — in spite of realizing you cannot make your partner over into that image. In this game, called If I Could Change You, each person takes a turn of about five to ten minutes completing the sentence, “If I could change you I would make you____________.” Here are some of Ruth’s responses:

If I could change you I would make you

• more self-confident

• work out at the gym three times a week

• feel happier about yourself

• pay more attention to me when I’m talking to you

• not stutter

• not have that little chewing mannerism that you do with your mouth

• never drink more than one alcoholic drink per day

It can be painful or scary to hear things your date would like to change about you if she could. Of course, this is not an exercise designed to make people change. It’s designed to help you see how often you take things as critical or disapproving.

Most people feel sensitive about hearing some of these things, even though they know it is just a game. Notice what happens in your heart area when you hear your partner’s answers. Does your heart shut down? Do you go numb? Do you get angry or agitated? Do you lose empathy and connection with the other because he or she has hurt you? Do you put up a psychic wall? Can you feel and vibrate with your feelings? Do you act out your feelings by being aggressive or blaming? Do you have to “do something” to get back to a sense of being in control?

Many people who have done this exercise report feeling relieved that the news wasn’t as bad as they had feared. Others shut down their feelings and get numb. And others begin to build a case against the other person — perhaps a case about “why this relationship will never work.” Try the exercise, and discuss your feelings and reactions with each other. Then, wait two or three days and discuss your reactions again. Sometimes it will take a few days for you both to realize how this exercise has affected you. Share especially any negative self-talk, and notice if this self-talk represents a familiar tape that your mind plays when you feel hurt, fearful, or angry.

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