Transition: The Story of How I Became a Man by Chaz Bono

Author:Chaz Bono [Bono, Chaz]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: Sociology, Social Science, Gender Studies, General, United States, Personal Memoirs, Transsexuals, Transgender People, Psychological Aspects, Biography & Autobiography, Gender Identity, Biography
ISBN: 9780525952145
Publisher: Dutton Adult
Published: 2011-05-10T03:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER EIGHT

Falling Apart

Not too long after Joan’s funeral, I’d moved into a small apartment in West Hollywood after a brief stay with Heidi. I immediately began pursuing a new relationship. This says a lot about my state of mind at the time. Terrified of being alone, I became obsessed with Tracy, a woman I’d met through mutual friends. I had actually met Tracy a few years before, but I was reintroduced to her through a friend and found her attractive. I began pursuing her despite there being a host of red flags, not the least of which was her telling me that she was an alcoholic and still in love with her ex.

I see now that, obviously, running headfirst into a new relationship was my way of trying to avoid the tremendous amount of pain I was in over losing Joan.

My career was at a complete standstill. The week Joan died, Geffen formally dropped our band from the label. Any marketing of our record had come to an abrupt halt, and I didn’t have the strength or willingness to start all over again. Plain and simple, I had no idea what I wanted to do now, or how to reinvent myself. I did know, however, that I was done with music. Since I had no idea how to move forward in my life, I went to bartending school and got a job at Girl Bar, a popular lesbian club in LA at the time. I wanted to make some money, but this was a total disaster for me. I was the world’s worst bartender since I’m horrible under any kind of fast-paced pressure, but more than that, I was constantly being singled out by women because of who I was. I hated this kind of attention, and soon quit. Then a friend got me a job working in a corporate real estate office, doing office work for ten dollars an hour. This was quite possibly the most boring and uninspiring job on the planet, but again I took the job because I needed to make money and to get out of the house and do something.

Not helping my general depression and rudderless life was the fact that Tracy was a big partier, and, still trying to avoid the pain of Joan’s death, I began to party with her.

During this year, my endometriosis also started to get really bad. Every month when my period came, I experienced intense pain. My doctor started prescribing Vicodin for me.

Around this time, Judy Weider, then editor of the Advocate, had been courting me to come out in the magazine. We had gotten together a few times and talked about doing an interview for the publication, but I didn’t feel ready. Though I was no longer actively trying to hide my sexual orientation, I didn’t feel like I had anything going on in my life to talk about, and my confidence was at a low point. I think, too, that I was responding to advice my mom had given me.

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