The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

Author:Simcha Fisher [Fisher, Simcha]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, pdf
Published: 2013-10-09T06:00:00+00:00

14

How to Ruin Your Marriage with NFP

Couples who use NFP have an incredibly low rate of divorce, and many couples have reported that using NFP to space pregnancies has led to an increase of grace, happiness, and intimacy in their marriage.

Sound too good to be true? It sure is! Oh, using NFP can strengthen your marriage, but that doesn’t happen automatically. In fact, there are tons of easy and excellent ways to ruin your marriage while using NFP to postpone pregnancy. If you’re interested in sharing many miserable years with your spouse, here’s your action plan:

1. Men, make your wife feel either “useful” or “useless,” depending on her current fertility. For instance, if you agree to postpone a pregnancy, launch a relentless campaign to make her have sex anyway, or to satisfy you in illicit ways. You don’t have to use physical force; there are plenty of other ways to exert pressure.

You can be nasty or sullen toward the whole family when you’re abstaining.

You can always make her be the one who says “stop,” as if she’s the owner of sex, and you’re the beggar. This should make you both resentful.

In the name of chastity, you can shun her when she’s fertile, so that, by the time you get the green light, she will be so hurt by your attitude that your sex life will be abysmal. You can turn to porn and masturbation, to make her feel like sex with her is your preference, but there are many close seconds.

And when you do have sex, make sure she gives you what you’ve got coming. You deserve it, for waiting this long.

CAUTION: If you consider her pleasure as important as yours when you do have sex, you might have to ask awkward questions about what works and what doesn’t, and this will lead to better sex for both of you. If you let her know that you desire her madly, but care for her so tenderly that you are willing to wait—if you clearly enjoy being with her even when she has clothes on—she will swoon. DO NOT DO THIS.

2. When she is pregnant, make sure she knows it’s her problem, not yours. Ditto for all aspects of childcare. This tactic is versatile: if you’re more practical than she is, you can shame her for falling for irrelevant, outdated pieties; or if you’re holier than she is, you can shame her for not being more open to life. Either way, it’s all her fault. This is probably what St. Joseph did.

CAUTION: If you spend time changing diapers, washing dishes, playing with the kids, and listening closely when she explains what her days are like—if you care about what worries her, and ask how you can relieve her workload—she will think of you as a real man, and may even experience less anxiety about conceiving in the future. DO NOT DO THIS.

3. Women, remember that sex is important to men because men are pigs. They actually receive love primarily through physical means, if you can imagine such a thing.

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