The Secret of the Shadow by Debbie Ford

Author:Debbie Ford [Ford, Debbie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Spiritual, Fiction, Self-realization, Shadow (Psychoanalysis), Self-Help, Personal Growth, General, Choice (Psychology), Self-actualization (Psychology)
ISBN: 9780062517838
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2002-11-21T05:00:00+00:00

While her mother was away, Natalie’s father showered her with gifts: clothes, perfume, and—most important—his undivided attention. Even though Natalie missed her mother, for the first time in her life she felt deeply cared for and special and close to her father. When her mother arrived back home a couple of months later it was not the happy and joyous reunion that Natalie had anticipated. Instead, her mother began probing, questioning why she had so many new clothes and perfume and other special treats. Her mother was clearly angry that her father had paid her so much attention while she was away. All of a sudden Natalie was aware of her parents quarreling about her, and at the same time she felt her father pulling away from her, putting an end to the close bond they had shared. The pain of that separation was still present in Natalie to this day. I asked her what she had made her father’s detachment mean about herself.

She told me she had made it mean she wasn’t good enough to be loved and she wasn’t important enough to get the attention she needed.

I then asked Natalie to make a list of all the ways this decision had negatively impacted her life. Here is her list: After I felt my dad withdraw from me I began to dress seductively, trying desperately to draw attention to myself.

I became angry and resentful if the man I was dating paid 118

t h e p o w e r o f p r o c e s s attention to any other women, whether it was his mother, his sister, a waitress, or an old friend.

Since the time I was a young woman I’ve always had the need to control the men in my life. I manage their time and need to know where they are going and who they are going with.

I humiliated myself countless times by acting out in jealousy and rage when I didn’t get the attention I wanted.

I was so insecure that I broke off relationships with great men because I didn’t feel they were willing to make me the most important person in their lives.

Natalie easily saw how this one incident, and the conclusions that accompanied it, had impacted every relationship she had ever had with a man. I then asked her to close her eyes and try to see whom she got to keep making wrong by acting out these behaviors. In an instant she spurted out, “My mother.” Natalie was surprised by this response, because she had always felt that she blamed her father for his detachment. But in this moment Natalie could see that she blamed her mom for her father’s detachment, sensing that her mother had forced him to choose between the two of them. Natalie realized that every time she acted out in jealousy and every time she sabotaged another relationship, she got to point her finger at her dead mother and say, “See what you did to me?

It’s all your fault.

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