The Secret Lives of Introverts by Jenn Granneman

Author:Jenn Granneman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse
Published: 2016-07-14T16:00:00+00:00

A Caveat to Being Picky

I’d like to add one caveat to the “being picky is a good thing” idea. If you haven’t done much dating—for whatever reason—consider this strategy: you could lower your pickiness shield for a time and go on a date with anyone you’re even mildly interested in. That cute guy at your friend’s birthday party who wants your phone number? Sure, why not. The attractive woman in your class who asked you to get coffee? It couldn’t hurt. You can give anyone a first or second date—but you don’t have to give them a third.

There’s an important thing you have to do while on the date. Don’t mess up this part. (I’ve messed this up and allowed relationships I just wasn’t that into to continue for too long.) While on the date, notice how you feel around the other person. How does your mind, heart, and body react to them? Do they drain or energize you? Does your mind bubble with interesting ideas when the two of you talk, or are you bored? Are you physically attracted to them? Use your introvert superpowers to reflect on and analyze the date. Don’t ignore the feedback you’re getting from your emotions and body. Ironically, we introverts can be both highly introspective and hyper-tuned in to the people around us, but we can have a harder time discerning our own preferences and feelings—until we make a conscious effort to do so.

If someone doesn’t excite you, don’t keep going on dates with them. After enough dates with a variety of people, you’ll find yourself becoming an expert on what you want and don’t want in a partner. Better yet, you’ll become an expert on you.

And there’s a bonus: going on dates can help improve your social skills. You can treat each date as an opportunity to learn more about how these crazy creatures we call human beings work. See each date as a mini-workshop to refine your social prowess. For example, you might practice strategies to tame your pre-date anxiety, learn how to talk about yourself more comfortably, and figure out how to keep the conversation going by asking interesting questions. At the end of each date, ask yourself, “What could I have done to make the date even better?” Don’t go overboard with analysis, but tap into your natural desire to improve and optimize things.

Remember how I wrote at the beginning of this chapter that dating was a time of personal growth for me? That’s because I used this strategy. There were a lot of horrible, awkward date fails at the beginning of my dating “career.” But as I added more experience to my dating resume, I found myself becoming more in tune with myself—and my dating game drastically improved.

When you feel you’ve gotten a better picture of the kind of partner you want to be with, raise your pickiness shield again. Start saying yes only to people whom you could really see yourself being with long-term. At this stage, you may have to pass over a lot of people—just be patient.

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