The Power of Choice by Melissa Stockwell

Author:Melissa Stockwell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: N/A
Publisher: Post Hill Press
Published: 2020-05-08T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 18

Competing Against Myself

I arrived at the pool deck for my first day of practice at the facility. The place was high ceilinged and echoey, with the pool marked off into lanes and permanent spectator seating running lengthwise along either side of the water.

One thing was clear right away: I was one of the oldest swimmers there. This was a club team made up primarily of high school and college kids.

I paused after I came through the doorway, hearing the familiar splash of lap swimmers. What am I doing here? I had been so enthusiastic about signing up, but now I felt a wave of doubt and hesitancy.

My walking on the prosthetic was getting better every day, but I didn’t wear it to come out to the pool. I scanned the tiles of the deck as I moved carefully with my crutches. The last thing I wanted to do was take a fall in front of everyone before I even knew their names. I was the only swimmer there who was missing a limb, and falling would probably make them treat me as though I was disabled.

When I managed to overcome my reservations and join the group, I was assigned the lane for the slowest swimmers. Okay, I thought. I get it. I was old, I was slow, I was the most disabled. I felt alienated from everyone there, and it wasn’t a good sensation. I got into the water and tried to just focus on my stroke, moving through the water, concentrating on my form. It helped, but I still didn’t feel as though I belonged.

I got through the first practice, but, even as I carefully made my way back to the locker room, I wasn’t able to summon that fire for sports that had brought me there.

“Just give it a shot,” Dick said when I told him how I felt.

He was a big supporter of me returning to the world of athletics. All of my family and friends were unfailingly supportive when I talked about the Paralympics. Instead of just leaving the pool that day and never going back, I tried to focus on their belief in me. I would keep at it.

Maybe it was part of my re-entry into life after the Army and the hospital, or maybe it was because of my missing leg. Maybe it was because I found it hard to interact with some of the younger swimmers, but, for whatever reason, I found myself pretty closed off during my first months with the team. I didn’t talk to a lot of people. I didn’t even change in the locker room. I would swim, pull myself out of the pool, and wrap my towel around me so that I could drive home by myself and change there.

I wasn’t sure why I was doing this. When I gave it some thought, I had to admit that I was feeling overwhelmed. This was all so new. I was a recent amputee. I had just gotten out of the Army.

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