The Movie Doctors by Simon Mayo & Mark Kermode

Author:Simon Mayo & Mark Kermode [Неизв.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781782116639
Publisher: Canongate Books
Published: 2015-10-21T23:00:00+00:00

INT. MOVIE DOCTORS’ SURGERY – DAY

Dr Kermode is wearing a black suit and tie matched with inappropriately scruffy shoes. Dr Mayo is sporting a T-shirt that was in its prime circa 1989 and skinny jeans. He thinks he’s twenty-three. A black coffee and a green tea are on the desk. They are ready to go.

DR KERMODE

Hey.

DR MAYO

Hey.

This Friends-style banter continues for a few minutes.

DR KERMODE

First patient?

DR MAYO

Reckon so.

Dr Kermode fumbles with the technology then realises he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

DR KERMODE

How does this work?

Dr Mayo presses the button marked ‘To call in patient press here and speak’.

DR MAYO

Miss Templeman, please.

DR KERMODE

(muttering) I’ve been here years and no one shows me anything . . .

A tall, middle-aged woman walks in and sits down in front of the Movie Doctors. She looks tired and somewhat pale.

DR MAYO

Hello, and what seems to be your problem, madam?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

Help me, Movie Doctors, you’re my only hope.

DR MAYO

(smiling his DJ smile of condescension) Perhaps try coming in again, Miss Templeman?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

Of course. (She leaves and re-enters) Hello, I wonder if you can help me?

DR KERMODE

Much better! Yes, of course! What seems to be the problem?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

Well, it’s my kids, really. They argue all the time and show me no respect whatsoever. It’s really getting me down and I wondered if you might have the right medicine for me?

DR MAYO

Have you tried shouting and then becoming distressed?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

They can yell and scream louder than me.

DR MAYO

How about bribing them? Have you tried paying?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

They have more money than me.

DR KERMODE

Don’t worry, Miss T., we have the answer. Have you tried Parenthood?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

Well, really. I didn’t come in here to be insulted. I’m doing my best . . .

DR MAYO

No, no, no you misunderstand, we mean the movie Parenthood starring Steve Martin. Have you seen it?

MISS TEMPLEMAN

A long time ago, maybe. How will it help?

DR MAYO

Ah well, first of all it’ll put a song in your heart. Try this. It’s sung by two kids in the back of Steve Martin’s car after a ball game.

Both Doctors sing, Dr Mayo conducts.

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