The Illusion of Intimacy: Problems in the World of Online Dating by Bridges John C.;

Author:Bridges, John C.;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: ABC-CLIO, LLC

Body Types

Another key area emerges when dating services post “body types” for members to choose from and add to their profile as they are preparing to post it. Selections such as “slender” and “athletic and toned” are viewed as positives for men and women. “About average” suggests no extremes: The person will be neither particularly skinny nor fat, but will be ordinary in terms of body size and weight. Other choices—especially for women—such as “curvy,” “a few extra pounds,” or “bbw” (“a big and beautiful woman”) are considered negatives. Facing this fact, some women will take the risk of selecting a smaller size and dealing with the reality of their appearance later on, in a first real-world meeting, if and when it happens. Many profiles have recently started to substitute the words “I’ll tell you later” as an answer to the body type question, particularly among women. One male responded, “I know what that means … if you’re thin or slender you’ll say that!”

This sort of behavior is also a form of deception and dishonesty, and at some point is something that will have to be dealt with. Being overweight is not often perceived as attractive in our culture, and most people will not willingly or easily admit to being “too fat.” Thus the expectation has become that the experienced user will read and adjust (upward) those categories listed in a profile. “Curvy,” for example, will be taken to mean “fat,” and a “few extra pounds” becomes “huge.”

Wouldn’t it be better to post a real photo and just be honest? Anyone who is dishonest will eventually have to be truthful later. At that point, the revelation could prove even more costly to a new relationship, or even prevent the formation of a good potential relationship. If women who have an issue with weight acknowledge it at all in advance, they typically reported doing so in the last telephone conversation with the potential partner just before the first meeting—if not at that first meeting. Presumably, this shifts the onus to the male, who must now accept the revelation and the person at the meeting, to avoid appearing superficial himself.

Diane says, “I have some weight I need to lose … about twenty pounds.” But she didn’t include that information in her profile; instead, she waited until the night before an already-arranged meeting to tell Steven. Steven didn’t find out until the pair met for lunch (which he still paid for despite his disappointment). Laura told me she had informed a potential suitor just before their first meeting with him that she “looked pretty much the same as she did in high school, she just added a little more weight.” The would-be suitor would, of course, have no way of knowing what Laura weighed in high school, but she was clearly more than a “little” overweight, a fact that became apparent upon meeting. Laura never heard from her match again. One male told me that Annie listed her body type as “curvy” and told him she “was not a cow or anything.

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