The Game of Desire by Shannon Boodram

Author:Shannon Boodram
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2019-05-26T16:00:00+00:00

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, CHERISE AND I WERE FINALLY ABLE TO MAKE TIME TO connect. Given that our relationship had been the least fluid in the group this was the conversation that I was most nervous about. But taking my own advice to Maya, I didn’t mention that. Instead I tackled that elephant from a different direction by explaining that our choppy relationship was actually a good thing because it allowed me to get a clearer picture of what’s been holding her back in the dating space.

“I just want you to note that while I’m talking about our personal experience, I’ve taken none of this personally. My purpose in your life is to help you. I appreciate that you show up and that you’ve been willing to at least try everything, but I don’t know if you’ve liked or found value in any of it. You have never said a kind thing to me. You seem closed off to showing gratitude, but I’ve noticed your comfort in issuing criticism.”

Cherise cleared her throat. “I mean, I used to be nice and open with everyone, but I’ve gotten burned so many times. I’ve been in abusive relationships and I’ve had friends backstab me. I also grew up watching my mother be so kind to my father and he’d just turn around and abuse her and then verbally abuse all of us.”

That response threw me for a bit of a loop, but I rolled with it. I affirmed the importance of protecting herself from disturbed and manipulative people. But I asked if it was possible that using that same approach for everyone was hurtful to those trying to do good in her life. As I was.

“I mean, maybe but in regard to me not saying thank you to you, I just figured you were doing things for the project, and they are things you outlined from the beginning you’d be doing. It never really felt personal. Like, I don’t think, Wow, look what she’s done for me.”

I explained to her something that I had already said a few times to the group: good habits are worth way more than perfect incidents. Meaning, if someone does something for you that’s kind of what you like, it’s more to your benefit to applaud them than to red-marker them. Otherwise you run the risk that person may stop altogether, in fear that you aren’t pleased with anything that they do. If you asked me what Cherise did not like, I could tell you, but what she did? I had zero clue, so I asked again.

“It’s hard to say. Look, everything also happens so fast and it’s like we’re always on to the next thing without getting time to absorb it,” she continued. “Like, how are we supposed to put any of these things into practice if we barely have time to understand it?”

I explained that with any program, the pace is going to work great for some and not so great for others. In our group,

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