The Friendship Factor by Kenneth Rubin

Author:Kenneth Rubin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2010-03-01T00:00:00+00:00

Teens and their parents: the real story

Now for the good news: Contemporary, nonpsychoanalytically oriented thinking suggests that the transition to adolescence is nowhere near as problematic for parents (or children) as traditional psychoanalytic theory posited.

It’s true that in these years, parents may no longer command center stage in some ways; as we have seen, between age thirteen and age sixteen, adolescents begin to name friends—not parents—as their main sources of support. Faced with a problem, Holly might rather get on the phone with her girlfriend than walk into the kitchen and talk things over with her mother. And Noah, who communicates with his parents in monosyllables, comes to life with his pals. As they work hard at defining themselves as different from their parents and most other over-thirties, as they become increasingly allegiant to their peer group and push for greater autonomy, young adolescents almost inevitably get into conflicts with their moms and dads over much of the business of daily life. From a parent’s perspective, it may seem at times that children find it impossible to hold the two systems—child/parent and child/peer—in balance simultaneously.

But the notion of intrapsychic turmoil that blows a child out of the family nest and into the wholly separate world of his peers does not seem to hold up to the empirical scrutiny of researchers. It’s something of a myth that with the onset of adolescence every child will abruptly and inevitably enter a period of Sturm und Drang that will be a test of endurance for his mom and dad. The research data simply are not there to support the claims that most kids go through major hardships at this stage of their lives, and that most parents can’t cope. Nor do teens themselves seem to feel that their parents have turned into aliens. In one national poll of children between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, for example, more than 50 percent of the respondents stated that they got along with their parents “very well,” and almost all of the rest said “fairly well.” Two thirds of these adolescents thought their parents were “in touch with what life is like” for teens today.

Even more important, and absolutely reassuring, is that when hardships arise, most teens do turn to their parents for support. Even then—especially then—young people need and benefit from parental attention. In a series of interviews that my colleagues and I conducted with children through the first year of high school, the most socially adaptive teens—the ones who had good friends, satisfying hobbies or interests, and high hopes for the future—told us that in times of need, they could count on their parents for emotional support. The message was: I really need my friends around to feel good about myself in general, but when it gets tough to make it through the day, I need my mom and dad more.

Although they may see a lot less of their parents, adolescents continue to rely on them, not only for guidance but also for support in their friendships and activities.

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