The Five Keys to Mindful Communication by Susan Gillis Chapman

Author:Susan Gillis Chapman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala Publications

SILENCING OURSELVES

The four stages of heartlessness can also be directed inward. In this reverse pattern, we turn blame and punishment onto ourselves rather than letting it out. Let’s take a closer look at this red-light signal, which is what I call “minimizing.” Here’s an example.

While we were visiting recently, my friend Sarah was sitting across the table, pouring a cup of tea. She accidentally tipped over the teapot, spilling hot tea all over her hand. At that moment I cried out, almost as though her hand were my own. I felt overcome by a tenderhearted concern for her, and my priority was to attend to her burn. But Sarah did not cry out, nor did she make any effort to take care of her hand. She brushed my compassionate response aside. I watched her jaw tighten while she jumped up and vigorously cleaned up the spilled tea on the table, berating herself all the while. It was confusing and painful to see my friend treat herself so harshly.

Sarah denied the truth of her reality and silenced that part of herself that needed help. I knew some things about Sarah’s past. As a child, she had worked in the family restaurant with her father. He was a single parent who drank too much and mistreated her. Sarah had adapted to the dangerous relationship with her father by training herself to suppress her body’s natural responses and her needs. What I witnessed during the tea incident was how Sarah had learned to switch off the distress signal from her burned hand. She was automatically replaying the pattern that she’d been so well trained in. Her internalized father’s voice told her that no matter what she feels, she has no right to ask for help—her duty to clean up is more important than the pain in her hand. When Sarah suppressed her cry for help, an internal bully dominated her, just as her alcoholic father had. Sarah’s burned hand didn’t take long to heal, but her red-light patterns will intensify each time she replays them, causing her more and more suffering.

As we gain experience in practicing mindful communication, it’s possible to notice how all three lights can flash during a single conversation. Noticing ourselves shift from open to fearful and then to closed communication enables us to recognize this process in someone else. Understanding what it feels like to minimize our needs and suppress the messages from our body and emotions makes it easier to respectfully stop when someone else’s light turns red, rather than push forward and try to force the situation. At the same time, we can both stop and remain open. With Sarah, at some point I realized that she was sending me a signal that told me to stop. Being mindfully present with a friend when communication shuts down is like stepping into the role of a loving parent with a child who’s having a nightmare.

If someone we’re communicating with suddenly shuts down, we need to be flexible enough to abandon our hope for two-way communication.

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