The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

Author:Harriet Lerner [Lerner, Harriet Goldhor]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: General, Psychology, Interpersonal Relations, Language Arts & Disciplines, House & Home, Interpersonal communication, Communication Studies, Emotions, Family & Relationships, Do-It-Yourself, Intimacy (Psychology), Conflict Resolution
ISBN: 9780060956165
Publisher: Quill
Published: 2002-07-25T04:00:00+00:00

“I Can’t Live with This!” Voicing the Ultimate in Marriage / 127

threatened to the core, finding a middle ground is hard, but that’s what Lorraine was aiming for. If she could only fight hysterically, or alternatively, if she could only ignore the threat, she would run the risk of driving the whole matter underground.

During this difficult time, Lorraine needed to take good care of herself. To this end, I encouraged her to establish and strengthen connections outside her marriage and to reach out for all the support she needed and deserved. At first Lorraine treated the crisis like a shameful secret. Her silence on the matter only increased her sense of shame, when there was nothing shameful about her situation to begin with. Lorraine needed to talk openly to trusted friends and family because her situation was too difficult to tough out alone or even with therapy as the only resource for input.

I also encouraged Lorraine to engage in creative and healthful activities—anything that would fuel her strength and sense of well-being. She insisted she wasn’t even up to loading the dish-washer, but she needed to push herself. Grounding activities—yoga, dancing, walking, attending cultural events—were an essential part of her survival plan. In addition to it being a generally good idea to live healthfully, these activities help lower anxiety and foster a more solid self, which is the foundation for a clearer voice.

Setting a New Bottom Line

Despite Lorraine’s efforts to do the right things and stay calm, she felt increasingly crazy. She couldn’t concentrate, and she became obsessed with Jo. During a weekend when Ira was out of town, she invaded his privacy by going through his desk and trying to get into his e-mail, in search of clues that something was going on. She hated the person she was becoming and resented the loss of her old self. During one therapy session, she said, “Maybe I’m losing my mind.”

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