The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax

Author:Leonard Sax
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780465073849
Publisher: Basic Books
Published: 2015-11-15T16:00:00+00:00

It is never acceptable for your child to be disrespectful to you. That doesn’t mean she has to agree with you. It’s fine for her to say, “I don’t agree. I think you are making a mistake.” But it is never acceptable for her to say, “Shut up. You don’t know what the f*** you’re talking about.” Yet that sort of language has become commonplace in the United States, in affluent communities as well as in low-income communities. Disrespectful language has also become common on the most popular American television programs. Don’t allow such language in your house.

But true independence of thought is useful. How to cultivate that independence without encouraging disrespect? Most of the “Just Right” parents I have known are able to accomplish this feat. One strategy revolves around suppertime conversation. Long rides in the car also provide a good opportunity. For younger kids, it could be talking about a favorite food or about movies. Ask your kids to name their favorite movie among those they have seen recently and to explain why it’s their favorite. Describe how and why your opinion differs. Show them that two people can disagree about preferences for one movie over another or about their taste in food without disrespecting or disliking one another.

For teens, you might choose a controversial topic from the news. Ask your teen to express an opinion about nuclear power versus conventional power versus solar or wind power. Or ask your teen a question about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. Listen carefully and respectfully to your child’s position. Then state how your opinion differs and why you don’t agree with your child’s position. For purposes of this exercise, stay away from personal topics such as whether your child should be allowed to stay up late playing video games or surfing the Internet. The point of the exercise is to develop the skill of disagreeing respectfully—of building independence without hostility. Once that skill is honed, you and your child or teen should be able to navigate more personal disagreements with less likelihood of the discussion degenerating into an argument.

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