The Art of Showing Up by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

Author:Rachel Wilkerson Miller
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: The Experiment
Published: 2020-03-13T18:45:23+00:00

On Names and Pronouns

If you don’t know how to pronounce someone’s name, say, “How do you pronounce your name?” If the name is hard to pronounce, learn how. Practice at home if you have to. I believe in you!

Check with people before you start calling them by a shortened version of their name. If someone has made clear they prefer their full name or don’t like the nickname you’re trying to give them, accept that and let it go. Calling someone by a nickname they dislike or don’t want to be called is disrespectful at best, and racist at worst.

Resist the urge to inquire about a name that seems unusual to you, especially if you’re just meeting someone. If their name is that unusual, it’s likely that the story behind it (or the lack thereof—sometimes, parents just choose names they like!) will come up in conversation at some point. And if it doesn’t come up, assume you don’t need to know. And in either case: Move on.

If you notice a mutual friend mispronouncing a friend’s name, correct that person. (“Oh, it’s actually Ay-vuh not Eee-vuh.”) Do this repeatedly if necessary.

Use people’s correct pronouns. If someone tells you they go by they/them, not he/him, then refer to that person as “they/them.” Do this all the time, even if the person isn’t present when you’re talking about them. (And don’t nitpick the use of the singular “they” in writing, for crying out loud.)

If someone is getting divorced, it’s OK to ask them what last name they’ll be using going forward. (Not the moment they tell you the news, of course . . . but it’s OK to ask before you, say, mail them an invitation or card.)

And it should go without saying, but . . . never mock someone’s name. It’s literally their name!!!

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