The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce by Joseph Cordell

Author:Joseph Cordell [Cordell, Joseph, Esq.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-58981-1
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2010-12-07T05:00:00+00:00

If a client doesn’t know much about how judges decide custody contests—and most clients don’t—a good lawyer will sit him down and give him a tutorial.

Naturally, some dads can be quick to claim that they were “equal” parents even if they clearly were not. Sometimes, to make the point, we have to question these clients closely: Who changed diapers more often? Who put the kids to bed? Who got them up? Who took them to the dentist? Who went to parent-teacher conferences? That’s parenting, and there is often a record. Events that make up parenting can be quantified and counted. That’s the history, pre-breakup, that judges consider. Fortunately for dads who don’t have a long history of sterling parenting while their marriages were intact, the courts can and often do consider an even more important factor: the future.

The moment of a breakup can be seen as a time for a fresh start. You’re splitting up, you’re getting divorced, and like it or not, things are changing. It’s an opportunity to change your parenting role, particularly if you want more custody and your soon-to-be-ex’s role is changing too. We’ve seen studies that indicate that a great many of the men who get divorced in their thirties and into their forties are getting divorced because their wives want to, not because they want to. An all-too-common scenario—we’ve seen it literally thousands of times, all across the country—is that the wife is getting close to her fortieth birthday, she feels like she’s getting trapped in the role of a mom, and she feels like her husband is taking her for granted. She meets someone new who is exciting and gives her the sort of attention that her husband used to give her. Eventually she wants to start over with the new boyfriend, so she tells her husband she wants a divorce.

The husband, our client, didn’t ask for any of this. He wants things to keep going the way they have been. But things are never going to be the same. His illusion of control is gone. He’s got to deal with it. He’s been a good dad, involved but not overly involved. He’s always worked long and hard, and traveled sometimes for business. But now he wants joint custody. But his wife has always been the primary caregiver. She had a part-time job—that’s where she met the boyfriend—but that was mostly while the kids were in school. So she has the advantage in the custody contest in terms of family history. She’s been the main parent at home.

Our client, however, can seize change as an opportunity. Maybe his soon-to-be-ex’s situation has changed. Instead of being focused on hearth and home, maybe her new relationship is her new focus. Maybe she’s more concerned about spending time with her new beau than about whether her kids have their homework done every night. Maybe she’s moved out and doesn’t have a place of her own. Maybe she’s short on money and needs to get a job.

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