I Am Nobody: Confronting the Sexually Abusive Coach who Stole My Life by Greg Gilhooly

Author:Greg Gilhooly
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Greystone Books
Published: 2018-03-14T04:00:00+00:00

I WAS A larger-than-life character at law school. I was the guy playing varsity hockey while going to law school. I was the one who played the role of Batman in the school production of Batman. I was seemingly laid-back and fun to be around. I was the one who secured a position as a summer student at what was then Tory Tory DesLauriers & Binnington, a leading firm with a reputation for securing the best and brightest out of law school. But inside, living in my own inner hell, I was no different from before.

My achievements were meaningless to me. I abused substances. I abused my body by cutting it and digging into it. In the face of wanting to achieve, I would repeatedly put on weight to make myself hideous, to ensure failure, to ensure isolation and avoidance, to ensure safety by avoiding attention. I tried to gain control over myself by bingeing and purging. I would fight through all of these self-destructive actions and still want to win. I would drop weight. I would train harder than anybody else to get back to a point where I could participate in hockey, where I could win the fight against my demons. I would wake early and swim laps at Hart House before classes, then after classes lift until my body ached beyond all imagination. Pictures of me from this period reflect incredible fluctuations in body shape as the desires to win and lose fought so hard against each other, the battle much like a tug-of-war where the ribbon first moves one way, then back the other, back and forth, and back and forth…

You know the pattern now. You know it well enough to finish every sentence I’m writing. And that’s the thing, because if it’s getting so predictable to you, imagine what it was like to have to live it. You can begin to understand my despair at even getting up in the morning, knowing that in the end the song would always remain the same. The miracle of it all is that I kept getting up to fight the good fight, day after day after day after day, hoping against all hope that things would get better.

They never did. But I did graduate from law school. At last, school was out. Forever.

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