Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward
Author:Susan Forward
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2013-10-01T04:00:00+00:00
What Do You Really Believe?
To uncover the messages you heard from your mother, which you unknowingly adopted as your truths, we’ll have to work backward from what we can see. So let’s take a look at some of the more typical messages you may have heard from your mother or intuited from her behavior toward you. Remember that your mother may not have put all these messages into words. She may simply have behaved in a way that let you know when she was upset with you, and she may continue that behavior today. For instance, she may pout or shoot you an angry look anytime you displease her. Such nonverbal messages have all the power of verbal ones, so as you go through the lists below, think about your mother’s manner as well, and the way it reinforces her words.
Put a check next to the items that resonate for you, and feel free to add any that aren’t listed. If you replay in your mind the expressions, criticisms, demands, and scenarios that commonly unfold as your mother gets her way, you should be able to fill in any gaps.
False messages that demean you:
• You are so selfish.
• You are so ungrateful.
• There’s something wrong with you.
• You can’t do anything right.
• You don’t know how to be loving.
• You only think about yourself.
• You are such a disappointment to me.
• You’ll never amount to anything.
• You’re the reason I have so many problems.
• You’ll never find a man.
• You’ll never be as attractive, smart, accomplished, or desirable as I am.
• You have terrible judgment.
• No one cares what you think.
• You’re nothing but a burden.
• You’re more trouble than you’re worth.
• You’re the cause of all the trouble/abuse/shame in the family.
• If you were a better person, the abuse/trouble/shame never would have happened.
These are the sorts of words that often come from narcissistic, competitive, controlling, or abusive mothers. Statements like this tear you down, making your mother feel all-powerful while absolving her of any responsibility for her life and her discontents. If a pang of familiarity hits you in the stomach or you hear your mother’s voice in your head when you read a particular item, it’s likely that it’s circulating inside you like an indictment. Recognizing these messages is an important first step toward taking their power away.
False messages that unfairly burden you:
• You are my whole life.
• You are the best part of me.
• I don’t need anybody except you.
• You’re the only one who cares about me.
• You’re the only one who can keep the family together.
• We’re so close we have to share everything; no secrets.
• You’re my best friend.
• You’ll always be my little girl.
• You’re the only one I can count on.
• I need you so much—I couldn’t make it without you.
• I love you so much more than I care about your father.
• You have to help me figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
This second group of messages is different but no less destructive.
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