That's Not What I Meant! by Deborah Tannen

Author:Deborah Tannen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins

In his analysis, Sacks explains that Max’s wife recently died. So Ethel and Ben feel responsible for him, and they consider their responsibility to include making sure Max eats. If his wife were alive and present, it would be her job to make him eat—or not eat.

As Max turns down the offers of food, he becomes a stubborn old man in their eyes. As Sacks put it, “You can imagine that he ages in the re-offering, and they say, ‘Oh my God, it’s that old man sitting there not eating anything, he’s going to get sick for sure.’” But from Max’s point of view, “For 35 years people have been telling him what to eat and when to eat, and now that he doesn’t have a wife to tell him what to eat, he’ll damn well eat what he wants. But as soon as he happens to be in that position, then somebody else figures ‘My God, he’s all by himself, somebody has to watch out for him.’” Whereas they see “he’s being obstinate for no good reason,” he sees he has to “get them to recognize that they can’t force him to do things, or he’s going to be turned into their little boy.”

What for Ethel and Ben is framed as solidarity—taking care of Max—is for him a show of power—treating him like a little boy. What for him is an exercise of independence—“I can eat what I want”—is for them a failure of involvement— he has no one to take care of him. They all stay within their own frames, so together they are caught in a spiraling frame of a battle of wills.

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