Tantric Love Letters by Diana Richardson

Author:Diana Richardson
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781780991559
Publisher: John Hunt Publishing

9. Sex is difficult for me because of high expectations and baby wish

Dear Diana,

My husband Axel and I participated in our first tantra seminar with you in May 2004 and it was a very beautiful experience for us. From then on, we have been experimenting quite a bit. Sometimes it was difficult for me. Sometimes it was completely relaxing and beautiful to get myself into love and tantra. In any case I have learned a lot since then. About two years ago we first wrote to you to tell you about our experience. And during last year while on vacation I read your new book Tantric Orgasm for Women and it opened up many things for me and confirmed that tantra is my way. I have wanted to write you to share my enthusiasm with you for some time now but somehow time passed and now I have a problem and need your help.

During the last month I have started to have difficulties with sexuality again. There are three things that play a role and they are intertwined. First, I frequently feel a wound in the area of my perineum and the pain inhibits my sensitivity and my relaxation because we have to interrupt the lovemaking. I feel guilty and responsible for it. Second, I have been in a conflict with myself and I still am. I did not know anymore what I really wanted exactly. During the last month I was more eager for conventional sex and for satisfaction or orgasm with clitoral stimulation and I was ashamed about it and I tried to suppress that energy or I only allowed it to happen once. I also realized that when I concentrate on my clitoris I don’t feel the energy in my vagina anymore. Third and most important, for two years now we have wanted to conceive a child. Sometimes in times of stress and examinations I lost that wish. In the beginning we tried to plan and control but it did not work because I am very sensitive to pressure and I was no longer able to relax in love. I grew more and more convinced that the child would come when it wanted and that we could not control the conception. Axel did not agree and so we compromised to only partly control the situation. But that does not work either and neither do we make love regularly. In the last months, I have had the feeling Axel was only making love to me because of the wish for a child and somehow I felt exploited. Three weeks ago we had an important conversation about this issue after which we lay down together but I could not continue. In the conversation he had mentioned that he felt in a hurry because of our age (he will turn 39 and I will turn 36 soon). This made me very upset because I still think that we should not plan like this.

For me it is hard to find a balance between the wish for a child and sexuality, and in the end they belong together.

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