Southern Lady Code by Helen Ellis

Author:Helen Ellis
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2019-04-15T16:00:00+00:00

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!

There wasn’t a clown in my closet. A doll did not turn its head to look at me. A music box did not start playing on its own. A pair of shoes wasn’t sticking out from beneath my drapes. A man in a hazmat suit didn’t knock on my door. A snake didn’t jack-in-the-box out of my toilet. A hair on my face was not growing out of my face.

No one said: “Keep still, this’ll be over before you know it.”

No one asked, “You’re not from around these parts, are you?”

No one said, “Bless you!” when I sneezed alone in my home.

No one slapped me across the face and told me to relax.

I didn’t yank oxygen tubes out of my nose. I didn’t back out of a room slowly. I didn’t crawl through an air duct. I didn’t chop off and bleach my hair in a gas station restroom. I didn’t carve a pistol out of soap. I didn’t burn off my own fingerprints. I didn’t make a rope out of bedsheets. I didn’t sit on a suitcase on the shoulder of a highway. I wasn’t abducted by a “weather balloon.”

I didn’t fall to my knees and scream, “Noooooo!”

I didn’t raise my hands toward the heavens and scream, “Whyyyyyy?”

I didn’t ask, “Was none of it true?”

I didn’t answer, “What in the world were you thinking?”

I didn’t dump my purse over the head of someone texting in a movie theater. I didn’t dump my purse over the head of someone texting in a movie theater again. I didn’t windmill my arms into a fistfight. I didn’t act as my own attorney. I didn’t draw straws in prison. I didn’t pick the lesser of two evil tattoos. I didn’t cut out newspaper articles, tape them to a wall, and connect them with red string. I didn’t reenter society.

I didn’t say, “You don’t know me!”

I didn’t say, “There’s someone in here!”

I didn’t say, “There is too a ghost!”

I didn’t say, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I didn’t choke on a cupcake for breakfast. I didn’t bleed out from a Cling Wrap serrated edge. I didn’t reach into a bag of chips and get bit. I didn’t make a deal with the Dirt Devil and get my soul sucked out by a vacuum cleaner.

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