So Much I Want to Tell You by Anna Akana

Author:Anna Akana
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2017-06-12T16:00:00+00:00

On Being an Internet Personality

I came of age alongside a hell of a beast: social media. We both reached our adulthood at the same time, ready to take on the world while it took over us. When I was growing up, everyone wanted to be a movie star or a musician. Nowadays, teenagers grow up wanting to be YouTubers, Snapchat stars, and social media personalities. Thirteen-year-olds are making six-figure brand deals. Our pets are Instagram models with millions of followers. The average baby plays videogames better than I can. For better or for worse, the Internet has changed us. I didn’t have a cellphone till I was seventeen, and even then it was a piece-of-crap Nokia that had pixelated text and the snake game. I shudder to think if I’d been born five years later, just how many of my naked selfies would exist in this world? Too many. Too many. I thought I was such hot shit at sixteen.

I have a complicated relationship with the Internet. On one hand, I love it. It allows me to look up anything I want to learn or know. What were these little red freckles on my face after I threw up? Oh, blood vessels that burst. Cool. Is it bad to stand with my face up next to the microwave? Definitely (I probably could’ve guessed that). I’m able to express my opinions through video or the written word and anyone can watch or read it. I have access to virtually anything and everything from the comfort of my own home. I can meet new people. It’s an amazing tool.

On the other hand, it can be a frightening place full of misogyny, racism, and unbelievable stupidity.

Maybe even weirder than the Internet itself, though, is Internet fame. It’s one big through-the-looking-glass experience. One minute I’ll be at VidCon (a conference for online creators), surrounded by hundreds of people who want to take a selfie with me. The next, I’m doing an open mic in a bar where no one knows (or cares) who I am. I go from being nobody to somebody every time I hit record, and I’m not always sure how to feel about it. Some days I feel like I have such an important part to play—being a role model, speaking up for suicide prevention and against bullying, making people laugh. Other times I wonder what my place is and whether this career in front of my computer is a fluke or a passing phase. I love my job because it allows me to speak from the heart, but it’s hard when your professional and personal identities are so intertwined.

That goes double for when you’re dating someone. So just imagine how confusing it got when I was in a very public romantic relationship with another digital influencer in 2012. Being in the public eye put a lot of strain on our relationship. Like most online couples, we did daily vlogs and joint business ventures, which at first was great. It was

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